Want to make your partner change? Read this

December 30,2019

As the year winds to a close, Xander and I are also wrapping up our final few bits of relationship wisdom after 12 years together.

Before we get to today’s video, I just want to take a moment to say a HUGE thank you for being a part of our community in 2019! Your emails, comments, DMs, and survey responses have meant so much to our entire team. Quite simply, we wouldn’t be here without you. So thank you for your support!

Now, here’s what we’re covering in this week’s video:

Relationship Lesson #10 – Be the kind of partner that you want to have, especially when things are tough

I’m guessing that you and I have something in common – we both have things about our partners that we wish we could change. Am I right? 

Don’t get me wrong – Xander is an amazing person and partner. But I have my frustrations with our relationship, just like everyone else has frustrations with theirs!

One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned is that trying to change our partners just isn’t very effective. 

Instead, it works so much better to focus on changing ourselves. Specifically, by trying to become the kind of partner that we want to have. 

In this week’s video, you’ll learn why this is a better strategy, and how you can go about implementing it in your relationship.

Relationship Lesson #11 – You’ll have to keep teaching your partner how to love you, and that’s OK

I wish Xander magically knew how to make me feel loved every waking second of the day, and would just do it without being asked. But alas, that just doesn’t happen.

Xander loves me more than anyone else in the world, but he also forgets to show me that love. And he forgets how I like to be shown love. Just like I forget for him! 

In the video, we get into why this is such a challenge for most couples, and how you can get your partner to show their love more consistently. There are some great practical tips here!

Relationship Lesson #12 – Having an exceptional relationship takes constant effort

I have a deep, personal desire to be a great partner to Xander.

But I also do things I’m ashamed of, all the time. I lose my patience with Xander. I hurt his feelings. I turn down date night or sex. I neglect our relationship. 

I wish that love and good intentions were enough to keep us afloat, but we’ve learned that if we want to have an exceptional relationship, we have to put constant, ongoing effort into it. 

Check out the video to learn how we keep fighting for our love! 

Watch the last video of the month here!


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!