How to get comfortable receiving oral sex – for women

March 09,2021

This one’s for the ladies (and the partners who love them). 

Is it hard for you to let your partner perform oral sex on you?

If your cheeks are already burning with embarrassment, please know that you’re not alone! A lot of women really struggle with this! 

It can feel like there’s so much that gets in our way, like:

I want to address that last bullet point first. So many women think that oral sex is the be-all-end-all of female pleasure. You may have friends who RAVE about how it’s the only way they can get off.

But all of our bodies are unique, and we all have different likes and dislikes. 

Not every woman loves oral sex! And that’s OK!

That being said, we have to make a big distinction here…

Do you not like oral sex because you don’t like the physical sensations in creates? Or because you’re uncomfortable receiving it? 

When your partner is going down on you, are you thinking thoughts like, “Hmm, this just isn’t enough pressure for me” or, “I really wish I had showered beforehand.”

There’s a big difference!

If you’re realizing that your blockages are more about shame and embarrassment, here’s how to get more comfortable receiving oral…

Know that your body is sexy

We women are socialized to believe that our genitals are ugly, smelly, and icky, so it’s not surprising that so many of us struggle to let our partner get all up in there! 

Unraveling all of the BS that we’ve been taught about our bodies takes time, but please know that your genitals are beautiful just the way they are. You look, smell, and taste amazing! 

Know that you deserve it

Women are also socialized to be caregivers and self-sacrificers, and to put others’ needs before our own, so the idea of receiving can feel really foreign and scary. It can be extremely challenging to be as generous and giving with ourselves as we are with others.

But the bottom line is this: 

You deserve pleasure! You deserve attention! You deserve sex that is for you!

As nervous as you may be about receiving, I can practically guarantee you that your partner is way less concerned about it.

I spend a lot of time talking to partners of women struggling to receive, and they always tell me things like, “I’m happy to focus on her,” “I want to lavish attention on her,” or “She deserves it!”

Not convinced? Try talking to your partner about it! Say something like, “I want to buy these foreplay guides, but I’m nervous about the oral sex on a woman one. It’s hard for me to think of allowing myself to take up that time and attention. I think it would help me to know that you would enjoy doing it, or that you think I deserve it.”

Then really listen to what your partner has to say. Allow yourself to take in their reassurance. 

Participate in the process

When it comes to oral, you don’t have to know exactly what you want, nor do you have to give your partner precise and specific directions. 

I like to make the distinction between directions and feedback

You don’t need to give your partner step-by-step directions for how to go down on you. (That’s what the foreplay guides are for!)

Instead, you want to focus on what feels good in the moment, and share that with your partner. 

Focus on these specific dynamics:

You can also use my favorite technique – A/B testing – to hone in on what feels good. 

Have your partner try two different techniques (like side to side, then up and down), then tell them which one feels better. 

Then have them try two different levels of pressure, or two different speeds, and say what you like more. 

Picking one option out of two is a lot easier and less intimidating than trying to come up with your own instructions out of thin air!

Now remember – YOU DESERVE THIS!

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HI THERE!

I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!