Nothing evokes panic about keeping up with the Joneses quite like sexual frequency. We all seem to be obsessed with making sure we’re having just the “right” amount of sex. Here’s how to know what works for your relationship.
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I recently had a really fun interview with Zlata Sushchik and her Sexyfit podcast. We talked about topics like:
How to get past the stigma and embarrassment that comes with openly talking about sex, and become comfortable with the topic
Whether or not female orgasm is more complicated than male orgasm
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“If you uhh, have any questions about… you know, sex, um, you can ask me.”
That was my version of “The Talk”—one awkward, stuttered sentence from my mother when I was twelve years old. I actually did have a lot of questions, but I could see how uncomfortable and embarrassed my mom was, and I knew that she really didn’t want me to ask anything. I remember thinking, “Why is Mom being so weird? Why can’t we just talk like normal?”
That one, awkward experience is actually what inspired me to become a sex therapist in the first place. I wanted to help other people have the kinds of conversations about sex that my parents weren’t ready or able to have when I was young.
Don’t follow my parents’ example! You can—and should—have much more informative conversations with your kids about sex. We’ll be covering talking about sex with teens in the coming weeks, but in the meantime, let’s start with having The Talk with young kids.
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For my Bustle column, I got to address a topic that I don’t cover often enough – when men have difficulty reaching orgasm. I obviously…
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The vast majority of couples wait far too long to go to therapy. Unfortunately, therapy is often seen as a last-ditch resort. It’s what you do if you’re one step away from breaking up. But it’s really hard for even the most skillful therapist to help a couple save their relationship from the brink of a break-up.
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Finishing School just got two major upgrades!
I’m dedicated to making Finishing School the best program it can be, so I’m continually working on updates and upgrades. I usually only share these updates with the ladies in Finishing School, but this one is just too exciting to keep within the Finishing School family.
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Do you find yourself getting distracted during sex? Do you wonder why you get so distracted? Does wondering why you’re getting distracted make you even more distracted in the moment?!
Don’t worry; you’re not alone!
One of my Bustle readers recently reached out with this question:
“My partner and I have been together for 4 years, and I find that I have a very hard time focusing and being ‘in the moment’ when we’re having sex. Whenever I tell people, they assume that I don’t love him or don’t find him attractive, but neither of those things are true — I’m not spacing out because I don’t want to be with him. The sex isn’t even bad; we always make sure we both orgasm. I just… find that my mind wanders.
Sometimes, it wanders to errands that I’m putting off; other times, I just start thinking about things in my life, like a conversation I have to have with my boss. I have a few ideas about why my mind wanders — I think my partner and I have different sex drives, which means I’m not always horny when he’s horny, and thus, not always wildly horny when he initiates sex (which I know is still less often than he’d like).
But I’m not 100 percent sure that that’s it, either. My partner has been really understanding of every sexual request I’ve ever asked of him, but I don’t even know what to ask him to deal with this problem.”
This is an issue that so many people struggle with, without fully understanding why. If you love your partner, if you’re attracted to them, if you enjoy having sex with them, then why would your mind wander? On the surface, it seems totally perplexing.
But there’s actually a pretty simple explanation.
Read MoreDo you worry that it takes you too long to reach orgasm?
Over at my column for Bustle, I got a question from a reader who was worried about the amount of time she takes to reach orgasm. She said she’d had partners who had made little comments, and she was self-conscious that they were bored or irritated. She wanted to know how long it should take to orgasm, and how she could speed hers up.
This is one of the most popular questions I get in Finishing School: Learn How To Orgasm and Finishing School: Orgasm With A Partner. I know how much it sucks to be lying there thinking, “Am I getting close? Am I any closer now?”
So here are six important things to know about orgasmic timing.
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I recently got this question from a reader of my Bustle articles:
“I’m a victim of rape. At the moment, I’m single, but I’ve been thinking a lot about my next relationship. With my most recent ex, I never knew how to enjoy sex. I would just lay there feeling squeamish and shut down. It feels like this thing that comes so naturally to everyone else doesn’t come naturally to me. I know my ex never enjoyed having sex with me, and I’m afraid my next partner won’t like it, either. I would like sex to be better in my next relationship, but I have no clue where to start. Do I need to tell my next partner about my rape? How and when would I even do that?”
In my practice, I work with a lot of sexual abuse and assault survivors (so many that I’ve actually put together an online course – A Survivor’s Guide To Reclaiming Your Sex Life After Abuse). My goal when working with survivors, in addition to helping them figure out how to process the assault itself, is to help them learn how to have safe and pleasurable sex lives (the same goal I have when working with any client). Here are seven things for survivors to keep in mind when thinking about your next relationship.
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