Most people have heard of Gary Chapman’s infamous Love Languages. He wrote The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate almost 20 years ago, but his model has endured the test of time. If you’re not familiar with Chapman’s work, he believes that there are five unique love languages that we use to convey and receive love. The languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Most people have one “dominant” language that they speak, but others may have a combination.

Chapman believes it’s useful to know your love language, and your partner’s love language so you can find the best ways to show each other your affection. He argues that someone whose primary language is receiving gifts won’t feel as loved if their partner is showering them with words of affirmation instead. Chapman also believes that it’s worth examining the ways you like to show love and the ways we like to receive it, as there can be differences between the ways we like giving and receiving love. For example, you may enjoy showing your love for your partner using acts of service, but want quality time from your partner in return.

I like taking Chapman’s model one step further by showing you how you can put it to use in your sex life. Sex can absolutely be an expression of love, and you can deepen your levels of intimacy by trying to incorporate love languages into your sex life.

Here, the five languages, and how to use them both in and outside the bedroom:

 

Words of affirmation

The language: These types want affection and caring to be expressed using words. Verbal recognition, praise, and compliments are all important.

If your partner likes words of affirmation: Share your feelings for your partner on a more regular basis. Even something as simple as “I love you” can have a huge impact. If you find yourself feeling stumped about what to say, try to pay more attention to the qualities you admire about your partner. Is she funny? Generous? Adventurous? You can compliment her personality by saying something along the lines of, “you’re so unbelievably kind. I appreciate that about you”. You can also affirm your partner for something that they’ve done, for example, “thank you so much for washing the dishes without me even asking.”

In the bedroom: You can incorporate more talking into your sex life. Compliment her technique – “wow, you’re so good at that”. Express admiration for her sexiness – “do you realize how much you turn me on?” Thank her for putting effort into your sex life – “I love that you put on something sexy for me, even after the crazy day you’ve had.”

 

Acts of service

The language: For those who appreciate acts of service, actions truly do speak louder than words. These types want their partners to show their affection by doing favors, kind acts, and chores.

If your partner likes acts of service: Get creative about brainstorming the ways you can show your love through actions. Surprise him with dinner reservations or a little weekend getaway. Is there something he’s always nagging you to do, like cleaning out the closet? You can take the initiative to do those tasks without being asked. If you see your partner feeling stressed out in the moment, try to think of a little act you can do to help him relax, like pour a glass of wine or draw a bath.

In the bedroom: Be more selfless. Devote an entire evening to his pleasure, without expecting anything in return. Or take action to prioritize your sex life, like by planning a date night and hiring a babysitter.

 

Receiving gifts

The language: With this love language, the person feels loved when they are being given gifts. It may be tempting to judge this language as materialistic, but it’s not about getting gifts that are elaborate or expensive. It’s more about the effort and surprised involved.

If your partner likes receiving gifts: Try to surprise her with small, thoughtful gifts, given for no reason. Write her little love notes. Buy her flowers. Hide a framed picture of the two of you in her briefcase. Put some extra care and thought into larger gifts for birthdays and anniversaries.

In the bedroom: There are plenty of great sex-themed gifts you can buy. Lingerie, sex toys, lubricant, books, videos, workshop passes, even a sex therapy session! Wrap up your gift with some beautiful paper, and put it under her pillow to surprise her.

 

Quality time

The language: People who speak the language of quality time enjoy being physically present with their partners. It’s not just about being in the same room together, though. These types require real presence and undivided attention.

If your partner likes quality time: Carve out time in your schedule to spend with your partner. Set yourself up for success by minimizing distractions ahead of time. Do your best to avoid multitasking when you’re together. Make time for activities that you really enjoy doing together, like cooking dinner or going on walks.

In the bedroom: Practice being truly present with your partner during intimate moments. Enjoy being in his presence. Make eye contact, listen to him, and slow down together.

 

Physical touch

The language: With this language, love is expressed by having physical contact with each other. These types need to be touched in order to feel love and affection.

If your partner likes physical touch: Try to reach out and touch her as often as you can. Hold her, cuddle with her, touch her as you pass by her, and kiss her. Let your hands linger on her body. Don’t just put your hands on her mindlessly though; infuse meaning into your touches. Imagine that you are sending love to her body through your hands.

In the bedroom: It may seem obvious that touch is important in the bedroom, but you’d be surprised by how little attention is given to touch in long-term relationships. In the early stages of dating, couples usually can’t keep their hands off of each other, but that chemistry tends to fade as time goes on. Try to build up anticipation for sex by caressing and playfully groping at each other throughout the day. Try out some erotic massage. Take your time with foreplay by stroking all over each other’s bodies.