Are you shoulding all over yourself?

July 07,2020

What do you think you should or shouldn’t do when it comes to sex?

Do you think sex should be spontaneous?

That you should want to have sex whenever your partner wants it?

That you shouldn’t have to tell your partner what you want?

That you should orgasm at the same time?

We all have these ideas of the things we are and aren’t supposed to do when it comes to sex.

And unfortunately, all of these “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” really get in the way of us actually having FUN in the bedroom!

Because when we’re so focused on what we should do, we neglect what we want to do. 

For example, I used to have a big “shouldn’t” around initiating sex when I was in my twenties. I fell for the crappy stereotypes that say in a heterosexual relationship, the guy should always be the one initiating sex. So I held back and didn’t initiate. I ended up suppressing my desire, building up more shame, feeling inauthentic, and missing out on lots of opportunities for intimacy. I “shoulded” all over myself!

So this month, we decided to do something fun and create…

The Slay Your Shoulds Challenge! 

Here’s how it’s going to work:

First, I want to get a sense of which “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” are most common in our community. What’s getting in your way the most right now?

So I’ve put together a brief survey that I’d love for you to fill out!

Click here to take the “Slay Your Shoulds” survey!

Then I’ll be back each Friday for the rest of this month to address the top 4 “shoulds”, and give you a game plan for getting rid of them! 

After this month is over, you’ll have made some serious progress in banishing the limiting beliefs that are getting in the way of you having a sex life that feels authentic, passionate, playful, and FUN!

P.S. Did you know we have a YouTube channel? Xander and I release new videos every week! Click here to check out our latest video, 7 Ways To Initiate Sex That Will Make Your Partner Say “HELL YES!”


How Much Sex Should You Really Be Having?


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!