Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays! This week I have a question from Caroline*, who writes, “What do you do when you’re irritated with your partner all the time? I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years, and have lived with him for three. I love him with all my heart, but I find myself getting annoyed with him on a daily basis. Most of the time it’s when he’s trying to do something sweet, like give me a kiss or a compliment, so I feel like a terrible person for wanting to pull away. Our relationship is wonderful in so many ways, and I know I want to be with him, but I don’t understand why I get so annoyed.”

Hi Caroline,

This is a complicated question to answer without having a lot of the specifics of your relationship. If you’re constantly irritated with your partner, it could be a sign that this just isn’t the right relationship for you.

That being said, I think it’s just as likely that your irritation is the result of having been with your boyfriend for a while. Your issue is one that a lot of women can relate to. When we’re in long-term relationships, our level of patience for our partners drastically decreases. The things that we found so cute and endearing during the honeymoon stage become annoying as time goes on.

In particular, I’ve noticed that a lot of women have knee-jerk reactions to pull away from physical intimacy. A partner coming in for a kiss or a hug seems to automatically pull the walls right up. One of the most likely culprits for this reaction is a fear that physical contact will lead to sex.

Another possibility may be that you’re having a hard time taking in his love. Sometimes being loved can send us unto an unconscious self-esteem tail-spin. It’s as if some deep, dark place inside of us is fighting back, saying, “wait, you love me? How can that be? Can’t you see how unlovable I actually am?”

When you find yourself getting irritated at your boyfriend, here are some tips to try out in the moment:

• Tell yourself what is actually happening. Sometimes our brains can blow little moments out of proportion, so it helps to acknowledge what’s going on in that moment. For example, “He’s trying to show his love for me” or “He’s just being sweet.”
• Remind yourself that you tend to have this reaction. Even saying something as simple as, “OK, I’m doing that thing again” can work wonders in the moment.
• Take a deep breath. Focusing on your breathing is instantly calming.
• Think about what life would be like without him. When we’re irritated, we’ve usually forgotten how much our partners mean to us. Taking the time to think about what it would be like to lose him is a good way to make you feel more grateful.
• Verbally praise him. Acknowledging something he’s done or giving him a compliment is a great way to remind yourself of your love and appreciation for him.
• Give yourself a time-out. Tell him, “I’m sorry, I’m feeling really cranky right now for no reason. I think I just need a minute alone.” Then walk away and take a few deep breaths until you’ve calmed down.

* Names changed for privacy

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