In the past few weeks, I’ve seen a plethora of news articles on the sexual practice of Karezza. Karezza has been around since the late 1800s, but there seems to be a recent resurgence of interest in this topic. Alice Bunker Stockham, one of the first female doctors in the United States, coined the term Karezza in 1896, fashioning it after the Italian word for “caress.” Stockham was a pretty radical woman for the 1890s, advocating gender equality, the use of birth control, and the health benefits of masturbation and sexual pleasure. Stockham believed that it was important for men and women to connect sexually, and she felt that orgasm often got in the way of true intimacy because both partners were more focused on climaxing than they were on being connected. She also believed that it took the body anywhere from two to four weeks to “recover” from ejaculation. In the practice of Karezza, men and women purposefully try to not orgasm. Couples learn to focus more on the pleasure of contact and emotional connection.

I absolutely agree with Stockham that the quest for orgasm can create distance between couples rather than closeness. It also leads to a great deal of performance anxiety. I see this all of the time in my sex therapy practice, in a variety of contexts. Most couples feel an immense amount of pressure to orgasm at the exact right time, in the exact right way. Many men struggle with orgasming too quickly, and many women struggle with taking too long to reach orgasm, and just about everyone judges themselves or their bodies for not “working properly”. Couples buy into the myth of the simultaneous orgasm, believing that sex isn’t truly great unless they can climax together at the same time. Many people will fake orgasm in order to avoid having uncomfortable interactions with their sexual partners. A lot of people focus so intently on getting themselves over the edge that they pay more attention to holding their breath, tightening their muscles, or keeping the stroke or pressure just right, and they end up completely tuning out their partner. Others might worry that they will make make a funny face or a strange moan during orgasm. There are countless ways that the focus on orgasm gets in the way of feeling connected and having truly satisfying sex.

As a sex therapist, I teach my clients tools and techniques for taking the focus off of orgasm and on to enjoying every single second of intimate contact. I depart from Karezza in the fact that I don’t force my clients to avoid orgasm at all cost. Orgasm is wonderfully delicious and should be fully enjoyed. But the pleasure you can get from the rest of a sexual encounter should be given just as much attention. What my sex therapy clients come to realize is that they have been approaching sex as if those ten seconds of orgasm are glorious enough to warrant enduring all of the anxiety and pressure. What they end up taking away is a recognition of the potential for intense pleasure in all of the non-orgasm moments. And the good news doesn’t end there; as people focus more on enjoying touch, connection, and intimacy during sex, they tend to relax and have orgasms more readily!

Do you want to learn how to take the pressure off orgasm and increase the amount of pleasure and connection you feel during sex? Call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to set up a consultation.