I wanted to share a little story with you…
Over the new year, Xander got sick. As soon as he felt something coming on, he thoughtfully said, “We probably shouldn’t kiss.”
Now, if you’ve been following us for a while, you might know about our ritual: we make out every night! Just kissing for kissing’s sake, with no expectation for it to lead anywhere (though sometimes it does!). It’s one of our favorite daily ways to stay connected.
So when Xander suggested pressing pause on our kissing, I agreed, of course. It made total sense — I didn’t want to get sick, but it was kind of a bummer!
A few days passed, and thankfully, it wasn’t anything serious. Xander started feeling better, and one night he turned to me and said, “Hey, I think I’m good now. Want to start kissing again?”
Here’s where things got… interesting.
I hesitated. Logically, I was happy he was feeling better and ready to get back to normal. Emotionally, though, I felt a flicker of resistance. There was this little voice in my head saying, “Eh, we haven’t been kissing, and it’s been fine. Do we really need to start again?”
It surprised me. Kissing is something I love doing with my partner, and yet, in just a few days, the idea of restarting felt like an intrusion. I wasn’t expecting that reaction at all.
And if I’m being honest, it brought up some shame for me.
How could I not want to kiss the person I love most in the world?
But then, I paused. I got curious about that feeling instead of judging it. I reminded myself that this is what happens: habits of connection are easy to let go of, and habits of disconnection can creep in faster than we think.
The truth is, there’s nothing shameful about how I was feeling. And shame, as we all know, doesn’t help. It doesn’t motivate us to act; it shuts us down and keeps us stuck.
That moment was such a powerful reminder for me about the importance of habits and rituals in maintaining connection. Even something as small as a goodnight kiss can hold so much weight in a relationship.
It’s also a perfect example of the power of inertia. If you don’t remember Newton’s law of inertia from high school physics, no worries — I’ll give you a quick refresher:
An object in motion stays in motion. An object at rest stays at rest.
This applies so clearly to intimacy in relationships. When you have consistent, regular physical intimacy — whether it’s kissing, sex, or even small moments of touch — it’s so much easier to keep that connection alive. But when those habits stop, it’s just as easy to stay disconnected.
How many of us have been in a dry spell and thought, “Not today, maybe tomorrow…” only to find that tomorrow becomes next week, next month, and so on?
This little pause in our kissing ritual showed me how quickly inertia can shift — and how intentional we have to be about keeping intimacy alive.
If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. Maybe you’ve noticed yourself resisting intimacy with your partner or struggling to reconnect after a period of disconnection. It’s so easy for shame to creep in, telling us there’s something wrong with us for feeling this way.
I am here to tell you: there’s nothing wrong with you.
And talking about these feelings — rather than hiding them in shame — takes their power away. It lets you normalize the experience and take steps to reconnect in your relationship.
So these are the lessons I learned that will help you reconnect in your relationship:
- Use the power of inertia to help your relationship, not hurt it. Even small acts of intimacy, like a kiss or a hug, can make a huge difference in keeping the connection alive.
- If you’re feeling stuck, resist the shame spiral. Instead, notice your feelings with curiosity, and take one small step to shift the energy.
- Talk about it with your partner. Sharing your feelings and naming the discomfort can bring you closer, break the cycle of disconnection, and remind you both of the love and care you share.
And here’s the real beauty of inertia: Newton’s law says that an object in motion stays in motion, and an object at rest stays at rest — unless acted upon by an outside force. That force, my friends, is us.
Our conscious, intentional choices are what break the cycle of disconnection and keep love and intimacy alive.
It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture — it can be as simple as saying “yes” to a kiss or holding your partner’s hand.
That night, I chose to kiss Xander again, and it reminded me just how powerful even the smallest moments of connection can be.
So, what’s one small choice you can make today to be the force that keeps your connection in motion?
