Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays. Each Friday, I alternate between The Weekend Sexperiment and Reader’s Request Fridays. On Reader’s Request Fridays, I address one reader email. If you have a specific question you’d like answered or a topic you’d like covered, please email me. If you’re interested in counseling, call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to schedule a consultation.

This week’s question is one that I hear very frequently (it even inspired one of the weeks of my Pleasure Principles online women’s program). This iteration comes from Kat*, who writes, “How can I stop constantly criticizing myself? It’s hurtful and it’s driving me crazy.”

I’m glad to have a chance to address this issue, but it is a very complex one indeed! The specific things that you beat yourself up for usually have a history, and it can take time and patience to sort out exactly what that history is.

In general, these are the two pieces of advice I’ve found to be most useful:

• Recognize that your inner critic is usually coming from a place of trying to protect you.
• Develop a strategy to use in the moment when you catch yourself being critical.

That first point is a tough pill to swallow, I know. Our inner critic can be so incredibly mean, and it can seem like all it wants is for us to feel terrible about ourselves. It can feel like that part of us actually enjoys ripping us to shreds.

That being said, I subscribe to the point of view that we inadvertently develop inner critics to guard the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. We are all born with vulnerability, but somewhere along the way we learn that it isn’t safe to be vulnerable in the world. This belief can come from our parents, from life experiences, or from trauma. Some other part of ourselves recognizes this wounding and thinks, “well that was awful. I want to make sure that never happens again.” Now don’t get me wrong, the inner critic’s attempt at protection is usually woefully misguided. But its’ intentions are typically quite good.

For example, say you watched your parents go through a miserable divorce when you were younger. Some part of you registered, “I don’t ever want to feel that pain again.” The inner critic can translate that into making you afraid of commitment, telling you that you don’t “deserve” a good partner, or mocking you for even wanting a relationship in the first place.

Again, the actions are misguided, but the goal is usually to keep you safe. It takes persistence and patience, but recognizing that your critic is trying to protect you can dramatically transform your inner self talk.

When it comes to develop a system for managing critical thoughts, there are a lot of options. I’ve found that one of the most powerful steps you can take is to simply acknowledge that you hear the criticism, and make the conscious decision to redirect your attention to something positive. Say something like, “Yep, there you are again inner critic. I hear ya. And I am going to choose to focus on my good qualities right now.”

Some of my clients have found it useful to keep a gratitude journal, where they write one or two things that they appreciate about themselves every day. You can also practice being more intentional about creating positive self talk throughout the day. (I mean honestly, when was the last time you said something kind to yourself?) Other clients have found that the best way to manage the critic in the moment is to take a few slow, deep breaths, and have a minute of quiet and relaxation. Or you can try visualizing the thought leaving your head. Try out a couple of methods and see which one resonates for you.

This is hard work, but it’s definitely work worth doing. You’ll be amazed at at how different life can feel when you have an understanding of (and perhaps even some compassion for) your inner critic!

*Names have been changed for privacy