An article published yesterday on NPR explores the phenomenon of “hanger” – hunger plus anger. The idea is that we can be particularly snappish when our blood sugar is low. A study out of Ohio State University found that participants who were hungrier (indicated by low blood sugar), were more likely to express anger towards their partners.

While I am a believer in the existence of “hanger” – I’m admittedly prone to being quite cranky when my stomach is empty – the study got me thinking about the ways we treat our partners in long-term relationships.

Put bluntly, I am consistently amazed by how condescending, irritable, and outright rude most of us can be towards our partners after we’ve been with them for a while. No high horses over here… I’ve witnessed myself being pretty condescending, irritable, and outright rude to my husband too.

I’m so curious about how this habit develops. How can we be so cruel to the person we care so much about? How can we not show the love of our life the same courtesy we show a casual acquaintance?

Do familiarity and comfort allow us to let down our guards and throw our manners out the window? Are we subconsciously trying to “test” our partners by showing them our worst sides (“will you still love me after you see how much of a jerk I really am”)? Are these our “true selves” coming out to rear their ugly heads? Do we just stop caring?

Regardless of the cause, I find it helpful to be more mindful about being kind to our partners. It’s funny (and perhaps a little sad) how infrequently that thought can cross our minds naturally, so it takes conscious effort.

Here are some simple suggestions for being more polite and thoughtful towards your partner:

• Say “please” and “thank you”. “Hey honey, could you please pick up my dry cleaning tonight?”
• Share your appreciation for the little things your partner does. “It means a lot to me that you always make sure to pay our credit card bills on time.”
• Be your partner’s biggest fan around friends and family members. “I’m so excited about this new project Dave just finished.”
• When you feel yourself getting snippy, excuse yourself for a minute to cool down on your own. “I need to go for a quick walk around the block.”
• Or, give a heads-up when you’re in a foul mood. “I want you to know I’ve had an awful day at work, and I’m probably not going to be much fun to be around for the next hour or so.”
• Get upset at the right person instead of taking it out on your partner. “I’m really pissed off at my mom right now, and I don’t want to direct that anger at you.”
• Apologize for being a jerk. “I’m really sorry I snapped at you like that. That wasn’t OK.”
• Do small, sweet things for your partner, for no reason whatsoever. “I brought you these flowers because I love you.”

Sometimes people get irritated at the thought of having to be make such an effort with someone they’ve been with for so long. “I don’t want to have to walk on eggshells with my partner”, they say.

My response is who better to be on your best behavior with than the person you love most in the world? Why wouldn’t you want to be the finest version of yourself for them? Why not shower them with love and affection and appreciation, and do your best to keep rudeness to a minimum?

I know that my husband will always love me, regardless of if I’m hangry or just plain angry at him. I know that I don’t have to be perfect in order for him to be with me. But I want to make the conscious effort to treat him as kindly as I possibly can. I don’t have to be on my best behavior with him, but I choose to be.