John Gottman is one of the most influential couples counselors of the past few decades. He has conducted a tremendous amount of research on the variables that contribute to successful marriages, and has often claimed to be able to predict whether or not a marriage will end in divorce with over 90% accuracy.

Some of Gottman’s most well-known research concerns his development of what he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Gottman uses the Four Horsemen metaphor to describe patterns of relating to and communicating with one’s spouse, especially during times of conflict. Gottman’s research found that the presence of the Four Horsemen in a relationship plays a huge factor in the decision to get a divorce, particularly in the earlier stages of a marriage.

The Four Horsemen are:

• Contempt. This type of relating indicates a true distaste for your partner. You may be cruel, disrespectful, sarcastic, or insulting to your spouse. While it’s natural to be irritated by certain things your partner says or does, contempt tends to be a more global attitude. Contemptuous comments include any kind of name-calling, and statements such as, “You’re a terrible father,” or “You don’t know how to do anything right.”

• Criticism. Gottman conceptualizes criticism as attacking your partner’s core being. This is different from having a complaint about a specific problem in your relationship. Criticizing language tends to use extreme words like “always” or “never”, and is directed at the other person, for example, “you always do this.” Notice the difference in the following two sentences; the first is criticism, while the second is a complaint: “You are so selfish. You never think of anyone other than yourself,” versus,  “I’m upset that you invited your friends over for dinner when you knew I was sick.”

• Defensiveness. This can come up when we don’t want to acknowledge that we have made a mistake. We may find ourselves making excuses or trying to turn the tables on our partners, rather than facing the difficult task of taking responsibility for our own choices. Many couples find themselves in a stuck place where it feels like only one partner is allowed to be “right” and the other partner has to be “wrong”. Responding defensively to a partner sends the message that you are not paying attention to what they have to say, or not willing to consider their perspective. Here’s an example of a defensive response: Partner A: “It hurt my feelings that you forgot about our anniversary today.” Partner B: “Well you forgot about my birthday last month! I spent the whole day waiting for you to acknowledge me, but you didn’t say a word!”

• Stonewalling. When we stonewall, we put up a wall between ourselves and our partner in an attempt to avoid conflict and cut off contact. We may ignore what our partner is saying, walk away, stop talking, act busy, or leave. Sometimes walking away is necessary during a fight, but there is a big difference between telling your partner that you need a minute to cool down, and storming off without a word.

So what do you do if you realize that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and/or stonewalling are a part of your relationship? First of all, I hold a slightly less rigid stance than Gottman on defensiveness and stonewalling. I think most people have moments of defensiveness or distance, and I think these issues can be worked with. Criticism, and particularly contempt, are more difficult to work with. If you find yourself feeling contempt or criticism for your partner a majority of the time, it may be time to take a close look at the relationship and see if this is really the person you want to be with. Even if you have a lot of contempt or criticism in your relationship, therapy can be useful in understanding why you have these feelings, learning better ways to communicate, and even in finding ways to end a relationship peacefully. If you don’t have any of the Horsemen present in your relationship, it is worth keeping them in mind so you know when small problems or lapses in communication may be starting to snowball into larger issues.

Need help with one of your Horsemen? Call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to set up a consultation.