Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays! This week I have a question from Georgia*, who writes, “I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and I’m worried that he’s getting bored in the bedroom. We have sex about once a week these days, and he doesn’t seem to be enjoying it as much as he used to. He seems distracted. I want to please him, but I’m not sure what to do. I don’t feel very confident about my sexual skills, and I don’t know how to get better! Please help!!”

Hi Georgia, thanks so much for the question. This is a topic that comes up all the time with my clients, particularly the women.

Most of us feel deeply self-conscious about our performance in the sack. We worry about being “good enough”, “sexy enough”, “hard enough”, lasting “long enough”. Being “enough”.

 

 

My most important piece of advice is simply to talk to him. I know it can feel awkward to initiate these kinds of discussions. It’s not like we ever get taught how to talk about sex openly! But good communication is vital to a healthy sexual relationship.

First, consider your own feelings about your sex life. You didn’t mention whether or not you’re feeling satisfied by the frequency or quality of the sex you’re having. I know you’re wanting to please him, but I wonder about your own experience during sex. Are you having fun? Is once a week enough for you? Does it feel good? Don’t talk to him until you get clear on what you’re feeling.

After that, you want to see if he’s feeling the same way about your sex life that you are. There’s a chance that you might be totally misreading his body language and thinking he’s unsatisfied when he’s actually perfectly content. Pick a time when you and your boyfriend are both relaxed and calm. Say something like, “hey, I want to talk to you about something. I’ve been feeling a little disconnected from you during sex lately. Are you feeling that too?” Or, “I have been feeling like we aren’t ourselves during sex these days. Is it just me?”

After hearing his response, you can transition into talking about your goals for your sex life. The most important thing you can do is make it clear that you want to put effort into your sexual relationship. So many of us fall under the assumption that good sex happens naturally. The truth is that having consistently hot sex requires action. You have to keep working at it! Here are a few examples of things you could say to get this point across:

“I want our sex life to feel really exciting, and I’m wondering what we could do together to make that happen.”
“I think it would be fun for us to shake things up a little. What kinds of things are you interested in experimenting with?”
“I would love for us to start making more time for sex. What do you think usually gets in our way?”

The key to these kinds of conversations is to feel like the two of you are a team working together to improve your sex life. A lot of the women I see feel like it’s their responsibility to make changes on their own, but the reality is that it’s important for a couple to work together.

Where most couples go wrong is in thinking that doing this type of work will be awkward or frustrating. It’s actually one of the best experiences you can have together. There’s always something new to learn, and exploring together can be a total blast. When I see a new couple in my practice, they almost inevitably come back and tell me, “we were so scared about starting sex therapy, but this has been so much fun!”

There are plenty of options for how you guys can bring some more life into the bedroom. Buy a book of sex positions and try out some new ones. Experiment with a little bit of kink. Purchase a new sex toy and play with it together. Initiate sex in a way that you never have before. Have sex at a different time of the day. Surprise him with some sexy lingerie under your work clothes.

Best of luck to you and your boyfriend!

 

*All names changed for privacy