This week’s question comes courtesy of Jane*, who writes, “I saw an interview with you where you talked about initiation and rejection, and it made me realize that it is not one of my strong suits. Can you give more tips for how to get better?”

Be honest with yourself – what was it like the last time you rejected your partner’s sexual advances?

 
If you’re like most couples, chances are your response includes the words “awkward”, “uncomfortable” or “frustrating.”

There are an endless number of reasons why turning down sex is so hard for so many people. You may be worried about hurting your partner’s feelings. You may be feeling inadequate as a partner. You may be upset with them for initiating at that particular moment. You may be turned off by the specific way they have chosen to initiate. Or you just may have no clue how to skillfully turn down sex.

As time passes, the tension, resentment, and discomfort start to build. I’ve worked with couples who were on the brink of breaking up, solely because their initiation and rejection dynamics had gotten so bad.

I want to help you break the cycle of bad initiation and rejection, so I’m going to show you five steps to follow to turn your partner down without hurting their feelings, betraying your own preferences, or ruining your relationship.

 

Acknowledge the vulnerability that it took to ask

Putting yourself out there and asking for what you want is always a vulnerable experience. Even if you’ve been together for years, initiating sex with your partner can still feel intimidating.

You don’t need to give your partner a medal, but take a moment to acknowledge to yourself that your partner is putting himself or herself out on the line by trying to initiate intimacy with you.

You may find that taking this step instantly helps you feel closer to your partner and softens up your response.

 

Realize that sex isn’t always just about having an orgasm

Sometimes people initiate sex because they’re horny and just want to get off, but other times they initiate because they simply want to connect. Your partner may be initiating with you because they want some time to be alone with you, hold you, look you in the eyes, and caress you.

Men in particular initiate sex when they want closeness. Speaking in broad brushstrokes, men aren’t socialized to be as communicative about their emotions. Initiating sex can feel way easier than asking for quality time.

If you can recognize that possibility, you may feel more open to connecting too.

 

Be direct about the fact that it’s a no

If you’re certain that you don’t want to have sex in that moment, let your partner know gently but firmly.

Don’t pretend like you didn’t hear their request. Don’t try to laugh it off. Don’t slink away without answering.

 

Share the reason why you’re not interested

Telling your partner why you’re turning down sex serves a number of purposes:

• It helps your partner not take it personally

Imagine you’re the one initiating. What would you rather hear in response – “No” or, “I’m so stressed out about this work project, and I just can’t get it off of my mind. You deserve my full attention, and I don’t want to give you any less. Can we try tomorrow?”

• It gives you a second to see if you might actually be open to intimacy

You may get so tense when you know your partner is about to initiate that you might forget to check in with yourself about whether or not you’re actually interested in having sex. Thinking of your reason for turning down sex gives you a moment to yourself to consider if you could open yourself up to connecting with your partner.

• It helps you understand what’s going on for you

Taking the time to discover your real reason for not wanting to have sex helps you get to know yourself better. You may start recognizing that you’re turning down sex a lot because you’re tired. It might even get to the point where you realise it’s time to take some proactive steps to combat your exhaustion.

And make sure it’s a real reason. Don’t say you have a headache if you don’t. Show your partner enough respect to tell him or her the truth.

You don’t need to come up with an elaborate excuse either. “I don’t feel like it right now” is a perfectly valid reason.

 

Be open to an alternative

You may not feel open to having sex in that moment, but is there another way of connecting that sounds appealing to you?

How about cuddling? Making out? Oral sex? Going into your bedroom and shutting the door?

Keep in mind that it’s pretty rare to feel turned on at exactly the same time as your partner, every time. If you keep your focus on what sounds good to you, you may find that you and your partner wind up on the same page.

 

Stay tuned for a follow-up article on the right way to initiate!

 

*Names changed for privacy