This week’s reader question comes from Amanda*, who writes, “my boyfriend and I are interested in experimenting with anal sex. Neither of us have ever done anything backdoor-related before, so do you have any tips for how to get started? I’m not that freaked out about it, just want to make sure I know some basics”

Hi Amanda,

Thanks for the question! Anal play is becoming less and less taboo these days, so I’m hearing variations of this question a lot! I’m always glad when people start feeling less embarrassed about their bodies.

Here are the most important things for you to know about anal play:

 

Your butt is a source of pleasure

There are a ton of nerve endings in and around the anus, rectum, and butt, so getting stimulated there can feel really good. It varies from person to person of course, but it’s worth knowing that anal experimentation is a worthy endeavor!

 

… For dudes too

Lots of straight guys can feel intimidated by anal play because the stigma against the anus is strongest for them than for any other social group. But they are still capable of feeling a lot of pleasure from anal play. It’s worth encouraging your guy to experiment along with you.

 

Taboo can be hot

While it’s true that more people are experimenting with anal, it’s still relatively taboo. But don’t let that discourage you. There’s a thrill to knowing you’re pushing the limits and doing something “naughty”.

 

Do what you need to do to get more comfortable

If you’re a little nervous about cleanliness, you can both bathe beforehand, turn the lights down or off, or have baby wipes right next to your bed.

Anal play is usually not much messier than vaginal sex, but taking these steps may help you feel more relaxed.

One thing to avoid – drinking alcohol. Booze makes you feel more disconnected with your body, and you’ll be much slower to recognize discomfort or pain.

 

Start with fingers

Your rectum is a lot tighter than your vagina, and rectal muscles don’t stretch the same way vaginal ones do. Because of this, I recommend starting with your fingers, which are of course way smaller than the average penis.

Here are some specific techniques you can try on each other:

• Grab and massage your partner’s butt cheeks with your hands.
• Slide your finger between your partner’s cheeks, slowly moving up and down.
• Hold your finger against your partner’s anus, pushing in ever-so-slightly. Do this as you’re giving him a hand job or blow job.
• Insert your finger into your partner’s rectum. Ask him to give you feedback about what depth feels best.
• If you don’t want to use fingers, you can buy a super-slim anal vibrator or dildo.

 

Lube is your friend

Don’t even attempt anal play without lube. Lube will make anal penetration so much easier and more comfortable. Use a TON of lube. Put on as much lube as you think you need, then double it. Seriously, lots of lube.

 

GO SLOW

You have to go much, much slower with the rectum than you would with the vaginal canal. This is especially true when you graduate from fingers to penis.

Doggy-style is usually the easiest way to accomplish this, since your partner has a clear path to your rectum, and a lot of control over his movement.

Make an agreement that you’re completely in control of your first time attempting anal sex. Have your partner place his penis right against your anus, and push in the tiniest amount. Take a few deep breaths and try to relax, then tell him to push in about a centimeter. Repeat, going as slowly and carefully as you can, until he’s all the way in. Have him pull out just as slowly. From there, ask him to do a few slow and gentle thrusts. Once you feel used to the pace, you can tell him to speed up.

 

Maintain separation

You don’t want bacteria from your rectum to get into your vagina. If your partner’s fingers or penis have been in your butt, they need to be thoroughly washed before moving into your vagina.

 

Have fun!

 

 

* Names changed for privacy