Are you a sexual perfectionist? 

Do you put pressure on yourself (and on your partner too) to have sex that looks as perfect as it does in the movies? 

Do you get frustrated, ashamed, or embarrassed if sex ever feels clunky or awkward? 

I ask you these questions as a former perfectionist myself! I spent much of my life pressuring myself to be perfect at everything, sex included. 

I had a lot of sex that felt like me just playing a role. Trying to make my partner think that things were “clicking” between the two of us. Fixating more on their pleasure than my own. Faking moans, faking orgasms, faking everything. 

It’s understandable to wish sex was perfect and easy. That’s the only way we ever see it on TV, and in the movies and porn. If all you ever see is sex that looks totally perfect, of course you’re going to internalize that as an expectation. 

But when you get so fixated on having perfect sex, it sucks all of the fun and enjoyment out of it. It makes sex feel like a joyless experience. 

Sex becomes just one more thing on your never-ending list of things you have to be amazing at, and you judge yourself for not being “good enough” at it.

If you pressure yourself to have perfect sex, that can interfere with your level of desire for sex, too. 

It’s hard to feel interested in or excited about something when the bar is set so high. 

A lot of couples get stuck in this vicious cycle where there’s so much performance pressure on sex that they just don’t have it very much. But then when they do have sex, that pressure rears its ugly head and makes the experience feel crappy for both of them. That makes them want sex even less than before!

One of the best things you can do for your sex life is stop expecting it to be perfect. 

We got a DM a few weeks ago from a woman who said:

“When my partner touches me, it doesn’t feel orgasmically good the entire time. It feels good most of the time, but there are moments when the pleasure feels lower. I know you guys talk about sexual communication a lot, but I don’t want to have to tell him every single moment that things don’t feel quite as good. How do I train him to do a better job without having to guide him every step of the way?”

This is such a good example of the sneaky ways that perfectionism infiltrates our sex lives. This woman had the expectation that every. single. moment. that her partner was touching her should feel orgasmic! 

But that’s just not realistic! 

Don’t expect to be at a perfect 10 every single moment during sex. 

Expect that there will be ebbs and flows in your level of pleasure, connection, presence, and enjoyment. 

So how do we overcome sexual perfectionism?

By talking about and normalizing all of the imperfect moments! 

Let me walk you through the last time Xander and I had sex. Here are some of the things that didn’t go perfectly:

• Sex didn’t get initiated in the perfect way. To be honest, he initiated in a kind of lazy way. 😆I would have enjoyed feeling more desired by Xander.
• I didn’t feel perfect body confidence. I noticed my stomach rolls in a certain position, and got distracted by that for a while.
• I wasn’t perfectly wet when we started having intercourse. 
• I wasn’t perfectly present the entire time. I thought about some random items on my to-do list. 
• We didn’t perfectly pleasure each other. There were moments that things felt amazing, and moments that things felt a little off. 
• Sex didn’t feel effortless. We both made requests of each other, and gave feedback. 
• I blanked on dirty talk like a deer in headlights, and didn’t respond to something Xander said. 
• My orgasm wasn’t perfect. It was a good one, but I’ve had better! 
• It got a little messy, and we got some fluids on the bedspread. 
• We were on different pages afterwards. I wanted to get up and do something together, but Xander was conked out and wanted to take a nap. 

See?? Soooo NOT perfect! 

But I thoroughly enjoyed the experience anyways, because I’ve reset my expectations about sex.

I no longer expect unwavering perfection in each and every moment.

If I’m having a negative experience, I definitely take action, and either change things up myself or make a request of Xander. 

But if I’m just experiencing a little ebb and flow, I let it be! Just giving myself that permission typically brings me back to enjoying myself.

So let’s normalize sexual imperfection!