Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays.

This week’s question comes from Terry*, who wanted me to address the topic of codependence. I often hear people throwing the word “codependent” around when describing themselves or their relationships. The word seems to have taken on a more loose meaning than was originally intended, and I frequently hear people slapping the label of codependency on any situation where one person alters their behavior to suit the needs of another person.

The concept of codependence actually comes from Alcoholics Anonymous. The term was created to describe the reality that an addict’s family and friends could at times inadvertently create situations that supported the addiction. Despite the widespread use of the term, it has no standardized definition in the psychological community, and is not listed in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual.

Generally speaking, codependence has evolved to define behaviors that go above and beyond typical caretaking. Making the occasional compromise is part of any healthy relationship, but someone who is codependent will take self-sacrifice to the extreme. Additionally, a codependent person will rely on using their self-sacrifice as a means with which to obtain love and approval from another person. They can completely lose themselves in the care of another person, and can get a high off of being needed. Codependents feel extreme guilt around saying “no” or trying to assert their own needs.

If you’re having a hard time differentiating care from codependence, take a look at Codependents Anonymous’ checklist of the common beliefs of codependents:

Denial patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
I label others with my negative traits.
I can take care of myself without any help from others.
I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.

Low self-esteem patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
I am jealous of the relationships between others I would like to have as my own.
I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
I perceive myself as inferior to others.
I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

Avoidance patterns:
I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
I withhold expressions of appreciation.

Compliance patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex and/or sexual attention when I want love.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.
I demand that my needs be met by others.
I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
I have obsessive, compulsive thinking patterns and cannot focus on daily activities.
I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

Do you see yourself in this list? Do you struggle with identifying healthy caretaking?