If you’re Googling “how to orgasm,” or “how to make a woman orgasm” it probably means one thing:

You want sex to feel good. You want more pleasure, more confidence, and fewer moments of “why isn’t this working?”

Maybe you’re a woman who’s ready to experience orgasm for the first time. Maybe you’ve had orgasms, but they’re inconsistent, or only happen a certain way. Or maybe you’re a partner who wants to get better at helping her feel more pleasure (without pressure).

Wherever you’re starting from, you’re in the right place. Because here’s what we want you to know right away:

👉 Female orgasm isn’t a performance. It’s not something you “achieve” or “give.” It’s something that happens when the right conditions are in place.

Here’s the truth:

👉 Most people never get a real, honest, shame-free education about female pleasure.

“We didn’t get sex education that covered emotional connection or communication. The result? We think orgasms should just happen effortlessly. And when they don’t, we feel like something’s wrong.”
—  Vanessa Marin, Pillow Talks Podcast, Episode 179

We’re not taught how orgasms work, what women actually need in order to climax, or how wildly different it can look and feel from person to person.

So let’s change that.

In this guide, we’re going to walk you through everything we wish every person knew about how to make a woman orgasm — as a licensed sex therapist (Vanessa) and a long-time sex and relationship coach (Xander) who’s learned a lot along the way 😉.

We’ll break down what female orgasms are, what they feel like, common mistakes, why some women struggle to get there, and what actually works when it comes to giving yourself (or your partner) the best chance of climax.

Let’s be clear from the start: Female orgasms aren’t rare, mysterious, or impossible — they’re 100% achievable, learnable, and deserved.

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Let’s Talk About What Female Orgasm Actually Is

Female orgasm is a physical and emotional release that usually includes rhythmic contractions of the pelvic muscles, increased heart rate, and waves of pleasure. But it’s not just about what’s happening in the body.

As Vanessa puts it in our Sex Talks book:

“Female orgasm is more than just a physical release. It’s a deeply emotional experience that can strengthen your bond with your partner, release tension, and leave you feeling more connected and alive.”

Orgasms, especially for women, start in the brain. Which is why:

• Feeling safe, connected, and relaxed makes such a big difference
• Stress, shame, and pressure to perform can shut everything down

“Orgasms can look and feel wildly different from person to person, and even from one time to the next. Some people are loud and expressive, others are quiet and internal. Some need lots of movement, others prefer stillness. There’s no one right way.”

That’s a reminder that not all orgasms look like the loud, dramatic performances we see in movies or porn. Some are subtle. Some are wild. All of them are valid.

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What Does A Female Orgasm Feel Like?

This is one of the most searched questions on the internet — and one of the hardest to answer. Because what does a female orgasm feel like can differ wildly from person to person…

Some women describe it as:

• A wave of warm, pulsing pleasure radiating from the genitals
• A full-body release that leaves them breathless and floating
• A rhythmic tightening and releasing in the pelvic floor
• A sense of relief, like exhaling tension they didn’t realize they were holding

Others say:

• It starts slow and builds gradually, then explodes in a sudden rush
• It’s subtle — not flashy, but deeply satisfying
• It leaves them craving more… 
• … Or totally blissed out and done

There’s no one “right” way to feel. What matters is recognizing the sensations in your body and allowing them to build, without pressure or expectation.

“Getting to know your own body is the single most important step to having better orgasms. You can’t teach a partner what you like if you don’t know yourself.”
— Finishing School, Module 1

If you’re someone who’s never experienced orgasm before, this might feel intimidating. But here’s the good news: You don’t need to chase a specific feeling. You just need to get curious about your pleasure and give yourself permission to explore.

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The Different Types Of Female Orgasms

Let’s talk about the “different types of female orgasms” thing. 

Because, yes, you often hear phrases like clitoral orgasm, vaginal orgasm, G-spot orgasm, blended orgasm, and even cervical orgasm.

But here’s the part that nobody explains:

👉 All female orgasms are related to the clitoris. 

The clitoris isn’t just the little external “button” people think of. It’s a much bigger internal network of erectile tissue and nerve endings that extends throughout the pelvis.

So a lot of what people call “different types” are really just different ways of stimulating the clitoral network.

In other words: different routes… same destination.

Here’s how those common orgasm “types” usually break down:

• Clitoral orgasm – Direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris. This is the most reliable path to orgasm for most women.
• Vaginal orgasm – It’s sometimes possible to indirectly stimulate the internal portions of the clitoris through penetration. But the vaginal walls themselves have very few nerve endings, which is why penetration alone isn’t enough for the vast majority of women.
• Blended orgasm – This is what happens when clitoral stimulation and penetration happen at the same time. It can feel more intense because more of the clitoral network is being activated.
• G-spot orgasm – The “G-spot” is actually still the clitoris, not a separate magical spot. Stimulation of the front vaginal wall can feel amazing for some women, but not all. 
• Cervical orgasm – Some women enjoy deeper pressure and penetration. Some don’t. But again, it’s still internal portions of the clitoris at play. Either way, it’s not “better” or more advanced. It’s just another possible sensation.
• Multiple orgasms – Yes, some women are capable of having more than one orgasm in a row.

So if you’ve been thinking, “I can’t have a vaginal orgasm, so something’s wrong with me”… nope.

The truth is: female orgasm isn’t about chasing the “right” type. It’s about understanding how the clitoris actually works, and creating the conditions for pleasure.

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Why Female Orgasms Matter

First and foremost, orgasms are fun and feel good! That’s enough of a reason for them to matter!

But they also have real benefits for the body and mind:

• Stress relief – Orgasms release endorphins and lower cortisol, the stress hormone.
• Better sleep – Many women say orgasms help them fall asleep faster and sleep more deeply.
• Pain relief – Orgasms can reduce headaches, cramps, and even chronic pain by releasing oxytocin and other natural chemicals.
• Connection – The hormone oxytocin, released during orgasm, fosters feelings of bonding and intimacy between partners.
• Confidence – Feeling in touch with your body and pleasure can spill over into other areas of life, boosting self-esteem.

So yes… pleasure matters. And it’s good for you.

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Why Female Orgasms Can Feel Tricky (and what to do about it)

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Why do so many women struggle to achieve orgasms consistently? While of course there’s no one-size-fits-all answer here, there are common themes that we see again and again in our work:

• Lack of education about female pleasure and anatomy
• Mental blocks like shame, guilt, or performance anxiety
• Relationship dynamics like feeling disconnected or pressured
• Not enough clitoral stimulation (more on that below)
• Misplaced focus on intercourse as “real” sex

“Shame, stress, and performance anxiety are the biggest orgasm killers. If your brain is stuck in overdrive, your body can’t relax enough to feel pleasure.”

— Pillow Talks Podcast, Episode 219

The truth? Most vulva-owners need direct clitoral stimulation in order to climax. Which brings us to…

The #1 Mistake: Ignoring The Clitoris

There’s a reason we call the clitoris “the MVP of female pleasure.”

“The clitoris is the MVP of female pleasure. It has over 8,000 nerve endings—double what the penis has—and its sole purpose is pleasure. Yet so many women are taught to ignore it or feel ashamed of needing it.”
— Sex Talks, Chapter 4: Pleasure

And yet — most people still focus on penetration.

Why? Because that’s what we see in movies. That’s what many of us were taught “sex” is. But here’s the truth:

• Only 10–15% of women orgasm from penetration alone
• The rest need direct clitoral stimulation

If you’re skipping the clit or giving it a quick drive-by before moving on to intercourse, you’re missing the main event.

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Common Myths About Female Orgasm

Let’s bust a few of the biggest myths we hear all the time (and yes, some of these are everywhere 🙄):

Myth #1: “If you’ve had an orgasm, you’d know.”

Not necessarily. A lot of women expect orgasms to feel like fireworks and a standing ovation.

But especially when you’re still learning, an orgasm can feel subtle. It might feel like a warm wave, a deep release, a pulsing sensation, or a quiet “oh… that was it?”

And if no one ever taught you what physical signs to look for (like pelvic muscle contractions or that sense of letting go), it’s easy to second-guess yourself.

Myth #2: “Vaginal orgasms are better than clitoral orgasms.”

Nope. This is one of the most harmful myths out there.

First, an orgasm is an orgasm. There’s no “better” kind.

Second, female orgasm is connected to the clitoris. The clitoris is the only organ designed solely for pleasure, and the vast majority of women need clitoral stimulation to finish.

So if you’re not orgasming from penetration alone, you’re not broken. You’re normal.

Myth #3: “Some women will never be able to orgasm.”

Absolutely false.

If orgasm hasn’t happened for you yet, it doesn’t mean it never will.

It usually means you haven’t had the right information, the right tools, the right kind of touch, or a safe, pressure-free environment to where your pleasure is allowed to take up space. (And yes, women can learn at any age.)

Myth #4: “You should be able to orgasm from intercourse.”

This is one of the biggest disconnects in modern sex.

Intercourse can feel great. It can feel intimate and connected.

But for many women, it’s not the most reliable way to orgasm (especially without clitoral stimulation). So if intercourse alone isn’t doing it for you, that doesn’t mean something is missing.

It just means you need a better approach.

Myth #5: “If she doesn’t orgasm, you’re doing something wrong.”

This one creates pressure fast (and pressure is one of the biggest orgasm-killers).

Orgasms are affected by so many things: stress, anxiety, hormones, relationship dynamics, body image, health, medication, past experiences, you name it.

The goal isn’t to “perform” your way to orgasm. It’s to create the right conditions for pleasure, stay curious, and focus on connection instead of outcomes.

The takeaway: female orgasm isn’t a mystery. It’s a skill.

And when you stop believing the myths — and stop rushing or pressuring yourself — everything gets easier.

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How To Make A Woman Orgasm (for real)

Here’s what actually works — based on years of clinical experience, listener questions, and real stories from our own relationship.

1. Focus on the clitoris, not just penetration.

The clitoris isn’t just a tiny nub.  It’s a whole network of internal and external nerve endings. It’s the powerhouse of pleasure for most women.

So if you’ve been focusing mostly on penetration, you’re missing the main source of stimulation.

This is why learning about clitoral stimulation is a game-changer. When couples shift their focus away from penetration being “the main event” and toward what actually feels good for her body, pleasure becomes easier to build, easier to trust, and a lot less stressful.

Put the focus where it belongs (on the clitoris), and orgasms stop feeling “impossible” and start feeling inevitable.And if you want the mindset work plus the techniques and step-by-step guidance, that’s exactly what you’ll find inside Finishing School.

2. Take the pressure off the orgasm.

Yes, the goal is orgasm. But ironically, making it the goal often backfires.

For many women, the biggest barrier to orgasm isn’t lack of desire or technique, it’s the feeling that they’re taking too long, asking for too much, or being inconvenient.

That pressure can sound like:

• “I don’t want this to drag on.”
• “I should be closer by now.”
• “I don’t want them to get bored or frustrated.”
• “Maybe I should just finish things.”

When that voice shows up, attention shifts out of the body and into the head. And orgasm needs presence and embodiment, not overthinking.

Taking the pressure off means giving explicit permission for pleasure to unfold at its own pace. 

If you’re a partner of a vulva-owner that could sound like:

• “We have plenty of time. I’m not going anywhere.”
• “No rush. I’m just happy to be here with you.”
• “We can slow down as much as you need.”
• “I love being with you like this.”

Slowing down, staying curious, and letting go of the idea that sex has to fit into a neat timeline or end a certain way, and openly communicating that helps take the pressure off. 

Remember: sex isn’t great because you both checked a box or stuck to an unspoken time limit. Sex is great because you both experienced pleasure — even if that pleasure looks different every time.

That’s what we call the Pleasure Over Performance mindset. And when women feel unhurried, supported, and allowed to take up space, orgasm becomes much more likely.

(Inside Finishing School, we teach exactly how to create this kind of pressure-free environment — along with the communication and touch techniques that support it.)

3. Create the right conditions. 

If orgasm hasn’t happened yet — or hasn’t happened with a partner — you’re not alone.

Many women struggle to orgasm not because something is “wrong” with them, but because the conditions their body needs haven’t been in place yet.

That often includes things like:

• Feeling emotionally safe and unhurried
• Having enough time for arousal to build
• Understanding how their own pleasure works
• Knowing what kinds of touch actually feel good for their body
• Feeling comfortable asking for what they need (or saying what doesn’t feel good)
• And not feeling responsible for managing their partner’s expectations

When women haven’t had the chance to learn their own pleasure, or were never encouraged to explore it, it can be hard to translate desire into orgasm with a partner.

In some cases, women end up faking orgasms, not to deceive their partner, but to avoid awkwardness, protect their partner’s feelings, or bring an experience to a close when their body isn’t quite there yet

Vanessa admits:

“I was studying to be a sex therapist, and I was struggling with a serious case of imposter syndrome because I had a big secret: I couldn’t orgasm with a partner. I had figured out how to climax on my own, but it wasn’t translating to my partnered sexual experiences. So, I did what most women in my situation do: faked orgasms. For years.”

If orgasm hasn’t happened yet, it doesn’t mean it won’t. It usually means you haven’t had the right tools or support to bridge the gap between your body and partnered sex.

Vanessa eventually figured out how to orgasm (reliably, consistently, and with her partner), but it took forever and the process wasn’t enjoyable. It took years of trial and error, deep study, and a lot of frustration along the way.

At a certain point, she had a realization. There had to be a better way than pushing through confusion, self-doubt, and bad advice just to experience pleasure.

So she did what she does best. She turned her struggle into a system. Vanessa began breaking orgasm down into something tangible and teachable, focusing on how pleasure actually works, what blocks it, how to communicate needs clearly, and which techniques reliably create results.

That process became Finishing School, a step-by-step roadmap designed to help women and couples stop guessing and start experiencing real, consistent pleasure in their bodies and in their relationships.

(If you’re a woman who wants help experiencing orgasm for the first time, or more consistently, we have a free guide on How to Have Your First Orgasm, which you can find here.)

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Female Orgasm Isn’t A Mystery. It’s A Skill.

And like any skill, it can be learned, practiced, and strengthened over time. Not through pressure. Not through “trying harder.” But through understanding your body, getting the right information, and having a clear process to follow.

Because here’s the truth no one told us:

Your orgasm is your human right.
Not something you have to earn.
Not something you have to “deserve.”
Not something you have to perform for.

You deserve pleasure that feels safe, connected, and truly for you.

And if you’re reading this and thinking, “okay… but I still don’t know what to actually do next,” we’ve got you.

If you want the clearest next step…

Finishing School is a step-by-step course designed to help women have more reliable, consistent orgasms (with or without a partner), by working on both the mindset and the technique.

Inside, you’ll learn how to:

• Understand your pleasure and what your body responds to.
• Get out of your head and back into your body.
• Build arousal in a way that feels good (not rushed).
• Troubleshoot what’s getting in the way.
• Communicate what you want clearly and confidently.
• Create a repeatable process for orgasm you can actually count on.

This is the course for women who are tired of vague advice like “just relax” and ready for real guidance.

It’s the exact step-by-step orgasm system Vanessa built after struggling for years herself. It covers the mindset blocks, the body blocks, the technique, the communication, and the partner piece… without shame, without awkwardness, and without leaving you wondering if you’re doing it “right.”

Because orgasming isn’t magic. It’s a skill.

And once you learn it? Everything changes.

👉 Join Finishing School today and start experiencing pleasure on your terms.

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About The Authors

We’re Vanessa and Xander Marin, and we’ve been together since 2007. Our mission is to take the intimidation out of getting intimate. 

Vanessa’s a sex therapist with 20 years of experience in the field. Her work has been featured in O, The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, Harper’s Bazaar, and Refinery29. I’ve also written pieces for Allure, LifeHacker, Bustle, and a little news outlet called The New York Times.

Xander’s a regular dude who’s here to show you that you don’t need a graduate degree or license to have extraordinary intimacy. 

Together as a couple, we’re here to show you that it’s possible to get more comfortable and confident talking about sex.

We co-authored the New York Times best selling book, Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life, and we have a business that helps couples keep the spark alive in long-term relationships! 

Want to learn even more about us, our mission, and our team? Check this out.