Dr. Abraham Morgentaler, an associate clinical professor of urology at Harvard Medical School, released a new book this week called Why Men Fake It: The Totally Unexpected Truth About Men And Sex. Morgentaler has been working with male sexuality for the past 25 years. His inspiration to write the book arose about five years ago, when he started noticing that an increasing number of his clients reported faking their orgasms on a consistent basis. Initially perplexed by this discovery, Morgentaler gradually started thinking about men faking orgasm in the context of performance anxiety and changing gender roles.

Feeling pressure to perform is nothing new for most men, but Morgentaler believes we’re not giving men enough credit for how complex their sexualities are, and just how much they care about giving their partner a satisfying experience. In an interview posted over at Salon, Morgentaler shares a captivating story about a married paraplegic man who had no sensation in the lower half of his body. Morgentaler worked with him to help him regain sexual functioning. The patient shared with Morgentaler that being able to have sex made him feel “like a man again”. The man was still unable to feel anything during sex, but the sheer act of being able to provide his wife with a pleasurable encounter helped restore his confidence in his masculinity. Morgentaler writes, “A guy’s sense of his masculinity, especially in the sexual realm, is not about what he experienced himself; he gets his sense of masculinity through the eyes of his partner.”

Morgentaler feels that the changes in gender roles over the past few decades have left men struggling with how to define themselves and their masculinities. As women become more educated and a larger part of the workforce, and we start moving closer to gender equality, men are becoming less able to define themselves as “providers.” Morgentaler believes that men have turned more of their attentions to sex, and putting pressure on themselves to provide and be responsible for the perfect sexual experience. He writes, “The challenge for men is how to feel good about themselves as a man while still embracing the strength and capability of today’s woman.”

I think Morgentaler’s book illustrates the unfortunate reality that men and women alike struggle with immense anxiety when it comes to sex. There’s pressure to please each other, pressure to be seen as a good lover, pressure to perform perfectly, and pressure to follow all of the “rules” around sex. 30% of men reported having faked an orgasm in a recent online survey. Interestingly enough, men reported faking climax for the same reason many women fake: their partner’s orgasm seemed imminent, so they felt that they needed to orgasm at the same time. The myth of the simultaneous orgasm is, in my opinion, one of the most harmful myths about sex. Both partners orgasming at the exact same time is extremely rare. The process of reaching orgasm is so varied and so delicate that trying to reach the apex in the same moment only serves to detract from the actual experience. Faking orgasm for the purpose of pretending to have a simultaneous orgasm is a disservice to both partners. I’d also like to note that faking orgasm leads to bad sex. Regardless of your intentions, if you fake your orgasm, you prevent your partner from learning what truly works for you. You’re also probably so wrapped up in when and how to fake the orgasm that you’re not enjoying the actual sensations of sex. I know that sex is incredibly anxiety-provoking; I entered this field because I felt passionate about helping people work decrease this anxiety. But you won’t be able to achieve a truly satisfying sex life if you aren’t honest about your experience.