Lifehacker has a very entertaining article about planning the perfect first date, using recent scientific research as your guide.

While I’m amused by the idea of combining science and love, I fear that some of these tips fall into psychological manipulation territory! Sure, you can increase your chances of someone liking you by employing a few simple psychological tricks, but is that really the way you want to attract a potential romantic partner?

Here, my take on some of their main points, and a few of my own:

 

Take conversational risks

Lifehacker warns against rehearsing what you’re going to say beforehand, given that humans are pretty good at detecting inauthenticity.

They also cite the research of Dan Ariely, who recommends “taking risks” conversationally. Ariely thinks it’s best to avoid small talk and ask more controversial questions, such as, “have you ever had an abortion?” His point is that getting out of your comfort zone helps you get to know the other person on a deeper level.

I’m all for avoiding the pitfalls of small talk, but some of Ariely’s questions seem pretty personal for a first date!

I’m not one for creating a lot of rules about what you are or aren’t allowed to talk about, but I would want to avoid potentially making someone talk about an extremely painful memory.

Rather than plotting out all of your questions beforehand, I’d recommend staying in the moment during your date and seeing what kinds of questions you are genuinely interested in asking. She may have on a special ring that catches your eye, or you may find yourself curious about his accent.

It may feel nerve-wracking to not have a game plan beforehand, but being in the moment with another person helps you get a better sense of whether or not there is an authentic connection between the two of you.

 

Time your eye contact

Lifehacker says making eye contact for 7-10 second bursts at a time is the “ideal” amount of eye contact to make during a date.

This actually is backed up by scientific research, but I’m not sure how helpful it would be to follow this advice. I could see someone getting so distracted by making sure they are making the “right” amount of eye contact that they lose track of the conversation, or even of their interest in their date!

Making eye contact feels vulnerable for many of us. It may trigger cultural teachings, self-esteem issues, or past memories.

Notice what eye contact is like for you, and see if you’re interested in developing this skill.

You can practice making meaningful eye contact during your conversations and interactions with other people during the day, but don’t get too stuck in your head about it on a date.

 

Mimic your date

The article goes through a number of studies that show how well we respond to being mimicked by a conversational partner. It’s true – we do seem to feel more connected when another person is subtly copying our body language, conversational tone, or mannerisms.

But this is yet another tip that seems to veer too far into manipulation territory for my liking.

It takes a lot of effort and attention to mimic another person. Of course, you want to be paying attention to your date. But perhaps some of that attention could be better spent trying to connect with them in an honest way!

 

Watch your body language

Here’s a tip that I can get on board with! Lifehacker recommends being aware of your body language during your date, and trying to get relaxed and comfortable.

So many of us live in our heads, and tend to forget that those heads are attached to bodies. Shifting some of your attention below your neck can help you relax, feel more in the moment, and connect with your date.

Notice if you’re holding any nervousness in your body; typical places we tend to feel anxiety are in our stomachs, hands, and shoulders.

If you notice yourself feeling constricted, try to take a deep breath and envision sending that breath to the parts of your body that are tense. Try slowing down and deepening your breath, relaxing your muscles, pulling your shoulders down and back, opening up across your collarbone, lifting your head up and slightly back, and loosening your facial muscles.

Notice what it’s like to hold this more open posture in front of your date.

 

Be direct

This is another one that I like. Lifehacker cites some research that shows people respond better to more direct, less ambiguous questions.

It may seem easier and less vulnerable to be more wishy-washy with your desires, but in the end, any potential feelings of rejection are going to feel pretty similar.

Getting cancelled on last-minute when you’ve made only vague and tentative plans doesn’t really sting that much less than getting cancelled on for a planned-out date.

It’s scary to ask for what we want, but in the end, directness will save you a lot of back-and-forth.

 

My suggestions

I may not have any scientific evidence to back these up, but I’ve helped a lot of people have great first dates! Here are just a few suggestions:

Pick a date that sounds exciting to you! This may sound obvious, but I’ve talked to a lot of people who choose dates that they’re not actually interested in, just because they sound impressive. Choose something off the beaten path. Maybe you’ve been dying to try a screenprinting class, take a hike in Marin, or play on the Seward Street slides. If you’re truly enthusiastic about your date, you’re going to have more fun and be able to get a better sense of if this person is a good fit for you.

Pamper yourself before your date. Boost your confidence and calm your nerves with some self-care. Go shopping, take a luxurious bath, work out, meditate, or do whatever else brings you pleasure.

Practice being in the moment during your date. Try to notice how your entire body responds to your date. Remind yourself to breathe and relax. Set aside distracting thoughts or anxieties.

Don’t give up hope! So many people get dejected by the dating scene. Allow yourself to feel anxious, nervous, or scared about your prospects of finding a long-term mate, but balance that with positive thoughts and affirmations.