As a sex therapist, I am reminded of the importance of good sex education every single day.

I am constantly bombarded by the effects of misinformation (and no information!) – shame, anxiety, risk-taking, boundary-crossing, pressure, and angst.

For those who were lucky, sex ed was comprised of a one-hour lecture that took place in a dank school gym. Those who were not so lucky had the topic ignored entirely. Many more have been shamed or degraded.

I have never met a single person who felt satisfied with their sexual education.

Good sex education really isn’t that hard. In the decade that I’ve spent doing sex education, I’ve come up with a number of guiding principles. Here are my top eight tips for helping our children grown into adults who have happy and healthy relationships with their sexuality:

 

1. Start young

As a society, we are uncomfortable with acknowledging how much children know about sex. We have got to take the blinders off.

Kids know way more about sex than we realize. Children masturbate (there’s even research showing fetuses masturbating in utero!), have questions about sex, and are curious about their bodies.

Of course, sex doesn’t mean the same thing to a child as it does to an adult. Nonetheless, it’s important to acknowledge that it exists, and to give kids accurate, age-appropriate information about sex.

Many parents are afraid to talk to their kids about sex because they think discussing sex will make their child more likely to become sexually active.

There’s an interesting comparison here to how therapists are taught to handle suicide. Most beginning therapists are afraid to ask their clients if they have had suicidal thoughts. There’s a fear that bringing up suicide will plant an idea in the client’s head and make him more likely to attempt suicide. In fact, the exact opposite is true. Studies have shown that being asked about suicidal thoughts decreases actual suicidal attempts.

Similarly, studies have shown that children who receive sexual education are no more likely to engage in sex than those who receive no education.

The bottom line is this – talking about sex doesn’t make it more likely to happen.

 

2. Keep the conversation going

Could teach your child all about math simply by telling them, “if you have any questions about math, you can ask me”? Of course not!

Sex is no different. Sex should be talked about frequently and openly.

Our children get assailed with sexual images, messages, and innuendos every day, so there are innumerable opportunities to open up a dialogue. Kids need different information based on their age and maturity level, and they need to know that they are always welcome to initiate the conversation on their own.

 

3. Provide accurate information

It’s important for kids to be taught about pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, HIV/AIDS, and birth control.

If we want to avoid teenage pregnancy and curb the rampant STI transmission rates, we have to teach our kids how to keep themselves safe during sex. You can’t make good choices if you don’t have all the facts.

Since it’s likely that you yourself never received comprehensive sex education, you can look at this as an opportunity to deepen your own knowledge. You and your child can do research together – read books, look up facts, and consult with the newest studies.

 

4. Prioritize consent

Our society operates within an outdated sexual script that makes men the sexual aggressors and women the ones who need to put on the brakes. Boys get taught that a lack of a “no” is the same thing as a “yes”, and girls aren’t taught to say “no” firmly and confidently.

This is a shame because consent can actually be quite sexy.

Children should learn that obtaining clear consent from their partners is essential. Every escalating step of a sexual interaction should be agreed upon, and consent can be withdrawn at any time.

 

5. Make it empowering

This goes hand in hand with consent. We should teach our children how to confidently make decisions about their sexuality. Sex shouldn’t be something to be feared.

Children need to learn how to get in touch with what they want, and what feels like the right decision. If a child feels empowered about their sexuality, they will naturally make choices that are good for them.

 

6. Embrace diversity

Human sexuality is amazingly diverse. I am constantly fascinated by how people express themselves sexually. We all have different relationships with our gender, our masculinity and femininity, our turn-ons, our desires, our fantasies, our bodies, our identifications, and our orientations.

If kids are exposed to the wide variety of sexual expression, they are more likely to feel comfortable with being their authentic sexual selves.

 

7. Avoid shaming

Let’s face it, sex can be a pretty embarrassing topic. There’s not a single person out there who is 100% comfortable with every aspect of their sexuality.

That being said, we should try our hardest not to pass our hangups on to our children. Don’t make your kids feel embarrassed or ashamed of who they are as sexual beings.

If you catch yourself slipping up, say something like this: “you know, I’m a work in progress when it comes to sex. Sometimes sex is really hard for me to talk about, and I still struggle with being fully comfortable with it. I’m sorry for what I just said. I want you to know that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and I want you to have a better relationship with your sexual self than I have with mine.”

 

8. Teach about pleasure

This point is controversial, but it shouldn’t be.

As much as we may want to stick our heads in the sand, children are very pleasure-oriented creatures. Have you ever seen the immense joy a child can get out of eating an ice cream sandwich, or rolling around in the dirt?

Pleasure doesn’t always have to be sexual, but of course it plays a big role in sex. We should teach our kids that pleasure is fun and joyful. We should send them the message that their pleasure is important.

 

Take a moment to think about any sexual hangups you may have now. If you had the kind of sex education detailed above, how might your relationship with your sexuality be different?

Now take a minute to think about your children, or any children in your life that are important to you. What kind of relationship would you want them to have with their sexuality? How does it differ from your relationship with your sexuality?

Interested in talking about this more? Need help with your child’s (or your own) sex education? Call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to schedule a consultation.