Last month, the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University released findings from their ongoing research on orgasm. They found that women are half as likely to orgasm during casual flings than they are with committed partners. Men were more likely to experience orgasm overall. Out of the college students surveyed, 80% of men reported orgasming during their last hook-up, while only 42% of women could claim the same.

Reporting on the findings, the New York Times lamented the fact that women seem to be getting the short end of the stick when it comes to hook-ups. There were a flurry of articles written about the topic, ranging from “no duh” from Jezebel to “I don’t need an orgasm” from Vogue.

While we still have a great deal to learn about both male and female orgasms, it seems pretty clear that male orgasm is more straightforward. Men require less stimulation and less time to reach orgasm.

It’s interesting to note, however, that women are capable of greater pleasure than men. Women have more nerve endings in their clitorises than men have in their penises, women have stronger and longer orgasms than men, and women are capable of multiple orgasms.

The logistics of orgasm aside, a lot of what these findings seem to boil down to for me is the kind of sex that most people are having in this country. I see a lot of people who are having sex that is disconnected, uncommunicative, and not particularly focused on enjoyment, regardless of whether it takes place in the context of a casual hook-up or a long term relationship.

There’s a lot of going through the mechanics of the act without actually being engaged with ourselves, our partners, or our pleasure.

There’s a big piece in this debate about sexual knowledge and communication. Several of the articles note that women feel uncomfortable helping hook-up partners pleasure them. They point out that men are usually more comfortable asking for – or simply doing – whatever they need to do to reach orgasm.

It’s easy to point the finger at women for not asking for what they want, but the basic fact is that most of us – men and women alike – never get taught how to have great sex. Most of us feel uncomfortable voicing our needs. How can we possibly feel comfortable asking for what we need if:

a. we have no idea what it is that we need, and

b. we’ve never practiced good sexual communication?

How can we expect our partners to pick up the slack if they’ve never learned how to have good sex either?

There’s also the question of how invested we are in the pleasure of our sexual partners, whether they are casual hook-ups or long-term relationships.

It seems that many of us could benefit from some good old-fashioned kindness and respect in this regard. If you’re hooking up with someone, treat them the way you would want to be treated. Try to make sure they’re having a good time.

A great partner cares about making sure their partner is enjoying themselves, even if the duration of their contact with each other is less than 10 minutes.

Finally, we need to take a look at our over-emphasis on orgasm when it comes to sex. Men and women hook up for a variety of reasons, only one of which is orgasm. They may enjoy the spontaneity, the thrill of a new body, the sense of connection (no matter how fleeting), the delight of being together, or the physical pleasure of kissing, foreplay, and sex. When we focus only on orgasm, we lose out on all of the other great parts of sex and intimacy, and we end up creating even more pressure on ourselves to reach climax.

Have you struggled with pleasure and orgasm during hook-ups (or in your relationship)? Would you like to finally learn how to have great sex and excellent sexual communication? Call (415) 658-5738  or visit my Appointments page to schedule a Sexploration session!