If you wanted to play with one of your fantasies tonight, what would you say to your partner?

If that question made your face flush bright red, then read on!

Last week I shared how you can start to identify your fantasies, and this week is all about how to ask your partner to try out the ones you’re interested in playing with.

Get Comfortable On Your Own

It’s really hard to ask your partner to do something with you in bed if you don’t feel fully comfortable with what you’re asking for.

Hopefully all the normalization that I’ve given you over the last few weeks has helped you get more comfortable with your fantasies. Remember:

• Fantasies are totally normal, common, and healthy.
• You don’t have to know you’ll love a fantasy before experimenting with it.
• Fantasies can be as vanilla or as kinky as you want them to be.
• You don’t have to act out a fantasy in real life.

Keep thinking about the specifics of your fantasy, and identify what you’d actually like to bring into your bedroom. It may also help to play with your fantasy as you masturbate, to see which specific aspects of it really turn you on.

Try simply saying out loud to yourself what you’re interested in. For example, “I want to try anal play” or “I want to talk dirty with my partner.” Follow that by, “I give myself permission to be turned on by this.” Keep repeating those words until you start to feel more comfortable.

Use Leading Questions

If you’re shy about talking about your fantasies, it might help to use a leading question to gauge your partner’s response. Introduce the idea of the fantasy, but without specifically saying you’re interested in trying it.

Tell your partner, “I saw this calendar in a store today that has a different sex position for every day. Do you think you’d be into trying that many positions?”

Keep in mind that your partner may be feeling their own nervousness, and may have a hard time acknowledging that they’re interesting in trying that thing too. If your partner stutters or blushes, you can say something like, “I didn’t realize there were so many sex positions! But it made me pretty curious…”

Tell Your Partner Why You Want To Do It With Them

There’s a possibility that hearing about your fantasy may bring up insecurity for your partner. For example they might think, “My partner wants me to roleplay because they don’t think I’m sexy enough on my own.”

One simple way to get around this is to share the reasons why you want to act out your fantasy with your partner, specifically.

Maybe you’ve never met someone you trusted as much as your current partner. Maybe they’re the only person who has helped you feel safe enough to explore your fantasies. Maybe the sex you guys have is so wonderful it feels like the two of you have limitless potential.

Whatever it is, share with your partner why they are a crucial part of your fantasy instead of just playing a role that any other person could play.