The Most Effective Sex Tip I Have EVER Given

June 19,2018

Want to know the single-most effective sex tip I’ve ever given my clients?

Touch more.

I know, it sounds unbelievably simple. But touching more often in your relationship has the power to transform your sex life in ways you never even dreamed possible.

This month’s topic is trying new things in the bedroom, so I want to talk about how touch plays a role in doing that.

When you initially think about spicing up your sex life, touch might not be one of the first things that comes to mind. Most people think they need to do more elaborate stuff, like buying expensive new sex toys or sharing secret fantasies they’ve never told anyone before.

But even though touch sounds simple, there are so many different types of touch: caresses, massages, hugs, cuddles, embraces, tickles, and so on. And so many different places you could touch: hands, feet, backs, faces, shoulders, arms, legs, and more. And there are so many different messages you can convey with your touch: love, relaxation, seduction, sympathy, playfulness, desire, and so on and so on.

Bringing more touch into your relationship is a fantastic way to create a sense of newness and excitement in the bedroom, and open up space for the two of you to explore even more. Here’s how.

Reason #1 – Touch is exciting!

First, there’s the reality that touch itself can feel amazing!

Do you remember the first few times your partner ever touched you? Do you remember the thrill of that skin-to-skin contact? Just a simple touch could light you on fire.

Even once that initial thrill wears off, many touch techniques can feel even sexier and more pleasurable than sex techniques.

There are so many ways to experiment with touch in the bedroom. You could spend an entire month spicing things up without even having sex!

Reason #2 – Touch is less intimidating

You’ve heard the advice to “try new things in the bedroom” plenty of times. But if you’re like most people, you never follow through on that advice because it feels intimidating!

It’s vulnerable to put yourself out there and do anything new, much less trying to do something new in the bedroom. You might worry about making yourself look foolish or doing it wrong.

But trying new techniques for touch can feel a lot less intimidating than trying new techniques for sex. Touch is an easy thing to be good at.

If you focus on trying new things with touch, you’ll feel less pressure and less perfectionism. And that will open you up to experimenting even more.

Reason #3 – Touch increases your desire

If you want to try new things in the bedroom, you both have to feel the desire to be intimate in the first place!

Some people have Responsive sex drives, which means they won’t feel the mental desire to have sex until they’re already physically aroused.

If you ask a Responsive sex drive type, “do you want to have sex?”, they will almost always say “no”, because they just won’t feel the mental desire in that moment.

But if you start cuddling, touching, and kissing, their desire will naturally emerge, and they’ll want to keep going. Touch opens up the door.

If you want to bring more touch into your relationship, here’s one easy way to do it: for the next week, try to carve out 10 minutes a day to spend together privately, in your bedroom, just holding each other, touching, and kissing.

Don’t think of this time as “foreplay.” The idea is to enjoy physical contact simply for the sake of physical contact.

When your time is up, leave your bedroom. See what it’s like to continue your day or night after having had this physical contact with each other.

It sounds simple, I know, but the truth is that most relationships are so touch-starved that just this one exercise has the power to make a big impact on your sex life.

If you’re interested in more ideas for incorporating touch into your relationship, I have some exciting news for you…

I’ve created a brand-new Summer Sex Challenge for couples!

The challenge is designed to help you and your partner bring some excitement, anticipation, and intrigue into the bedroom, without getting overwhelmed or intimidated.

Touch is so powerful that I decided to make it a major part of the Summer Sex Challenge.

Here’s how the challenge works:

Every day of the month of July, you’ll get a email from me with two new ideas: a Sensual Challenge (touch- and foreplay-oriented), and a Sexual Challenge (sex-oriented).
After you read the options, it’s up to the two of you to pick which one you want to do that day. (Or if you want to go really all out and do both!)
The challenges themselves will take between 10-30 minutes of your time. None of them require any additional purchases or special toys or props. The challenges are designed to push you a little out of your comfort zones, but without being overwhelming.
At the end of the month, you’ll get a beautifully-designed PDF workbook of all of the ideas for you to refer back to over and over again whenever you want to spice up your sex life. If you miss a couple of the days of the challenge, it’s no problem, since you’ll have access to all of the ideas for life.

Here are some common questions about the challenge:

How long will this take?
You’ll get two sex challenges to try every day for the entire month of July. The idea is to try to prioritize some sort of sensual contact every single day. But you can work through the challenge at a slower pace if you’d like. (For example, every other day, or once a week.)

What if we miss a day?
No problem. You can either skip that day or do the suggestions the next day. There are no deadlines here!

Is it for straight couples only?
Nope. The challenges are specifically designed to be gender-neutral.

What if we don’t like the daily challenge?
You have two options for every day, so hopefully you will like at least one of them! The challenge is designed to stretch your comfort zones a bit. But if you truly don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. You can re-do a challenge from a previous day or do a variation of one of the challenges.

Do we have to have sex every day?
No. Every day you’ll have a Sensual Challenge and a Sexual Challenge. The Sensual Challenges involve touch, but not sex. Additionally, many of the Sexual Challenges don’t involve intercourse.

How much does it cost?
Only $129. For the price of a cup of coffee per day – and far less than you might spend on a month of weekly date nights – you and your partner can spend an entire month bringing suspense, connection, variety, and anticipation back into the bedroom!


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!