We all want to feel desired, but so often in relationships we get into a place where it feels like one partner wants the other more.

If you’re the higher desire partner, you’re probably feeling lonely and scared – scared that your partner might not be into you, and scared that you’ll get rejected if you initiate any kind of sex or intimacy. In fact, you may even be withholding affection for fear of being turned down!

If you’re the lower desire partner, you might be feeling ashamed, like there’s something wrong with you. You may even be tempted to start giving your partner half-hearted sex or intimacy in an attempt to appease them.

Unfortunately, none of these techniques end up being very successful, and in fact tend to only reinforce the feeling of imbalance.

In this episode, we’re going to talk to the partner who wants to feel desired, and the partner who may not feel that desire. You’ll learn:

• What your partner really means and wants when they say “I want you to want me”
• Why it’s not all about sex, and why you should never force yourself to have it
• Why you shouldn’t “test” your partner to see how long it will take for them to initiate sex
• What to actually do if you’re not feeling desire for your partner
• How to identify and communicate what each of you really want and need from the other

Here’s a glance at this episode:

[00:55] Xander’s Wrong Lyrics Karaoke returns

[01:38] The inspiration behind this episode

[10:51] You know we had to do some Instagram polls — learn how our audience feels about desire

[12:45] Vanessa shares how wanting to be wanted can feel shameful and embarrassing

[15:40] Xander responds (with a voice crack) and shares times when the tables have been turned

[21:32] What does it actually feel like to be wanted?

[24:12] Our best advice for the higher desire partner

[33:12] How to identify what specific, concrete things make you feel desired. We share some ideas if you’re stuck on this question

[38:15] Advice for the partner who doesn’t feel the desire

[43:22] Are you responsible for meeting all your partners sexual needs?

[45:00] What to do if you’re NOT feeling desire for your partner

[50:00] Listener Question: “How do I phrase what I want or need without coming off as critical or that my partner is failing?”

[52:25] Listener Question: “What do you do if you specifically ask for what you need to feel desired and they just don’t do it? I’ve clarified and reinforced but it just doesn’t happen. I’m convinced he just doesn’t want me.”

[54:59] Listener Question: “Is this all just in our heads? Is it just us not feeling desirable and not that our partner doesn’t want us?”

Links & resources

• Rediscovering Desire: https://vmtherapy.com/increase-sex-drive/
• Mental Load Workbook: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/mental-load-workbook/
• Initiation 101 Masterclass: https://vmtherapy.thrivecart.com/initiation-masterclass
• Check out our YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/vanessamarin

Also listen on