You Want Connection, Your Partner Wants Sex. Who Comes First?

February 10, 2022

There are two types of people: those who need to feel connected before having sex, and those that need to have sex in order to feel connected. In a cruel twist of fate, relationships typically have one of each type of person. This can lead to a stand-off situation that often manifests in long dry spells or straight up bad sex.

In this episode, we give our surprising (and perhaps controversial) answer to what comes first — emotional or physical connection, and talk about how to end the ‘stand-off’ once and for all.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • How this conundrum has affected our relationship
  • What to do if you and your partner are in a grid lock
  • If sex is ever really just about sex

Here’s a glance at this episode:

[03:17] Why this is a very special episode!

[05:54] The two types of people in the world. Which one are you?

[07:35] Find out how many people are experiencing “the stand-off”

[12:10] Some real life stories from Instagram about this issue!

[13:00] A heteronormative disclaimer for this episode and some more poll results

[16:50] How this issue affects our relationship (and how we deal with it)

[19:35] What to do when you need to ‘rebuild’ after you haven’t had sex in awhile

[22:27] Vanessa gives her solution to sex vs. connection and we talk about the worst sex we’ve ever had

[28:31] Why ‘emotional intimacy first’ and ‘physical intimacy first’ are both equally valid

[29:16] Is sex ever really just about sex?

[32:52] We talk about how to create emotional intimacy

[36:33] Listener Question #1: “How do I explain that it takes time to build connection, not just one conversation that should then lead to sex?”

[39:15] Listener Question #2: “What if I like both emotional connection AND sex depending on the day? How can I not confuse my partner?”


The Intimate or Nasty Challenge (Connection Challenge and Sex Challenge)

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