This is why your partner won’t work on your relationship with you (and how to finally get them to!)

July 01,2021

Do you think that relationships should be effortless?

Or that having to work on your relationship means there’s something wrong?

Or does your partner think these things?

A lot of people think that they should only need to put effort into their relationship to solve serious problems. Or they wait until things are really bad to start putting in effort.

But your relationship CAN NOT survive without effort.

In this episode, we reframe “work” in a completely different – and much more helpful, effective, and fun! – way.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

Here’s a glance at this episode:

[0:47] The moment I asked Xander to go to therapy

[3:35] The top 7 things couples want to work on

[5:05] What does it mean to “work on” your relationship?

[7:29] The unique way we reframe what “working on your relationship” means

[11:00] The specific things we do to work on our own relationship

[13:33] The reasons why people hesitate to work on their relationships

[18:08] Why men in particular have a hard time working on relationships

[21:57] How to start the conversation with your partner

[23:22] Finding the positives

[25:01] Discover your reasons for wanting to work on the relationship

[26:49] Don’t use the word “work”

[28:27] Taking the teamwork approach

[29:20] Identifying your easy wins

[31:46] Troubleshooting your partner’s potential responses

[32:00] Listener question: “My partner thinks we only need counseling if it ever gets so bad that I think about leaving them.”

[33:56] Listener question: “My partner thinks our relationship is fine and that I’m just nitpicking.”

[37:41] Listener question: “I’ll make specific requests, but then my partner never follows through.”

[40:41] Listener question: “My partner lashes out at me and says I’m not perfect either.”

[43:46] Listener question: “My partner says, ‘I’m a terrible person. Why are you even with me?”

[46:45] Listener question: “My partner says, ‘I don’t feel like talking about this now’ or ‘let’s talk about this later.”

Links & resources

Video: Improve Your Relationship – How To Follow GOOD Relationship Advice

Guide: The Simple Daily Check-In Every Couple Needs To Be Doing Right Now

Masterclass: Bring Your Sex Life Back to Life

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Take a screenshot of this episode and tag us on instagram @vanessamarintherapy and tell us your biggest takeaway! We can’t wait to hear what steps you’re going to take to talk about sex with your partner.

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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!