This one’s for the ladies (and the partners who love them). 

Is it hard for you to let your partner perform oral sex on you?

If your cheeks are already burning with embarrassment, please know that you’re not alone! A lot of women really struggle with this! 

It can feel like there’s so much that gets in our way, like:

• Feeling self-conscious about how our genitals look, smell, and taste.
• Not knowing how to give your partner any sort of instruction or feedback – especially if you’ve never enjoyed oral in the past.
• Feeling disconnected from your partner when they’re focused on you. 
• Getting bored or distracted since there’s nothing for you to do other than receive. 
• Feeling like you’re “missing out” if it just doesn’t feel that good. 

I want to address that last bullet point first. So many women think that oral sex is the be-all-end-all of female pleasure. You may have friends who RAVE about how it’s the only way they can get off.

But all of our bodies are unique, and we all have different likes and dislikes. 

Not every woman loves oral sex! And that’s OK!

That being said, we have to make a big distinction here…

Do you not like oral sex because you don’t like the physical sensations in creates? Or because you’re uncomfortable receiving it? 

When your partner is going down on you, are you thinking thoughts like, “Hmm, this just isn’t enough pressure for me” or, “I really wish I had showered beforehand.”

There’s a big difference!

If you’re realizing that your blockages are more about shame and embarrassment, here’s how to get more comfortable receiving oral…

Know that your body is sexy

We women are socialized to believe that our genitals are ugly, smelly, and icky, so it’s not surprising that so many of us struggle to let our partner get all up in there! 

Unraveling all of the BS that we’ve been taught about our bodies takes time, but please know that your genitals are beautiful just the way they are. You look, smell, and taste amazing! 

Know that you deserve it

Women are also socialized to be caregivers and self-sacrificers, and to put others’ needs before our own, so the idea of receiving can feel really foreign and scary. It can be extremely challenging to be as generous and giving with ourselves as we are with others.

But the bottom line is this: 

You deserve pleasure! You deserve attention! You deserve sex that is for you!

As nervous as you may be about receiving, I can practically guarantee you that your partner is way less concerned about it.

I spend a lot of time talking to partners of women struggling to receive, and they always tell me things like, “I’m happy to focus on her,” “I want to lavish attention on her,” or “She deserves it!”

Not convinced? Try talking to your partner about it! Say something like, “I want to buy these foreplay guides, but I’m nervous about the oral sex on a woman one. It’s hard for me to think of allowing myself to take up that time and attention. I think it would help me to know that you would enjoy doing it, or that you think I deserve it.”

Then really listen to what your partner has to say. Allow yourself to take in their reassurance. 

Participate in the process

When it comes to oral, you don’t have to know exactly what you want, nor do you have to give your partner precise and specific directions. 

I like to make the distinction between directions and feedback. 

You don’t need to give your partner step-by-step directions for how to go down on you. (That’s what the foreplay guides are for!)

Instead, you want to focus on what feels good in the moment, and share that with your partner. 

Focus on these specific dynamics:

• The location. Where do you want your partner’s tongue? (This will change throughout the experience.)
• The level of pressure. Are you wanting it harder or softer?
• The speed. Do you want them to go faster or slower?

You can also use my favorite technique – A/B testing – to hone in on what feels good. 

Have your partner try two different techniques (like side to side, then up and down), then tell them which one feels better. 

Then have them try two different levels of pressure, or two different speeds, and say what you like more. 

Picking one option out of two is a lot easier and less intimidating than trying to come up with your own instructions out of thin air!

Now remember – YOU DESERVE THIS!