Feel Self-Conscious Of Your Body During Sex? This One Sentence Can Change EVERYTHING For You

August 01,2018

If you do a coaching session with me, you start by filling out a pretty detailed intake form. I like having a lot of information beforehand, so that we can dive in and cover a lot of ground together. One of the questions that I ask is: “what gets in the way of you having the sex life you want?”

The most common response I get is, “the extra 20 pounds I’m carrying.”

There are a million different dynamics that can get in the way of having the sex life that you want, so I never expected to see so many people bring up their weight as the primary reason.

And here’s the ironic thing about this common answer…

You don’t need to lose 20 pounds to have better sex.
You don’t need to have a tight, toned body to have better sex.
You don’t need to have firmer skin or fewer wrinkles to have better sex.
You don’t need to be scar- or beauty-mark free to have better sex.
Your genitals don’t need to look a certain way to have better sex.

So many of us are waging these endless battles with our bodies, hoping that better sex will be our prize at the end of the day.

But the battle never ends, and the prize never comes.

Because the truth is that how your body looks has absolutely zero relationship to how good sex can be. ZERO.

The only thing that matters is how you feel about your body.

The way you feel about your body has been proven to dramatically affect your experience of sex. If you feel better about your body, you’re much more likely to feel more pleasure during sex, have orgasms, feel present in the moment and connected to your partner, and report a better overall experience.

Feeling better about your body – regardless of what your body looks like – makes for better sex.

Now, I know that we’ve all spent our entire lives being socialized to be judgmental of our bodies. That socialization gets in early and gets in deep, so I know it’s no small task to just let go of it. But here’s what you can do:

You can make a choice to feel pleasure in your body.

You can make a choice to ignore this BS socialization we’ve all received around the way our bodies are “supposed” to look, and focus instead on all of the incredible, mind-blowing, toe-curling pleasure that your body is capable of feeling.

You can make a choice to say, “F— all of that noise! I CHOOSE TO FEEL PLEASURE IN MY BODY!”

Choosing to feel pleasure in your body is an act of rebellion.

Choosing to feel pleasure in your body is revolutionary.

So the next time you’re having sexual contact, whether it’s with a partner or masturbating on your own, I want you to try this trick.

Tell yourself, “I choose to feel pleasure in my body.”

Play with the tone of it. See if it feels more powerful in that moment as a gentle and loving reminder, or as a war cry.

Repeat it over and over again, out loud or in your head, until it starts to sink in.

Even if you don’t actually feel confident or brave or bold in that moment, there’s something so powerful about saying that you choose to feel pleasure. It will naturally make you start to tune into your experience of pleasure and feel more sensation in your body.

And over time and with practice, you’ll start to feel like you’re part of a real revolution.

Try this out and let me know how it goes!



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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!