Just last week, I was not in the mood for sex, but I said yes anyway.
Before I jump into why I said yes, I want to make a very important disclaimer:
There’s a lot of crappy advice out there pressuring women to have sex that they don’t want to have.
This is NOT THAT.
This is NOT about guilt, obligation, or being a “better partner.” This is me sharing a mindset shift I’ve developed over years of doing this work that’s helped me approach sex differently.
Here are 4 reasons I said yes even though I was not in the mood for sex:
1. Confidence in a Good Experience
Xander and I have a mantra: “Everyone who wants an orgasm, gets an orgasm.”
We work together as a team to ensure that sex is enjoyable for both of us. This makes me feel confident that saying yes will be a positive experience. If I didn’t feel this way, I’d be saying no a lot more often.
2. The Pressure to “Be in the Mood” is Overrated
I’ve stopped putting so much weight on being in the mood at the exact moment Xander initiates. I remind myself that it’s totally fine, it’s normal, it’s healthy. I don’t need to feel guilty or embarrassed about it.
There’s a difference between not really feeling it and actively not wanting it. Instead of defaulting to that knee-jerk “no”, I’ve learned to give myself time and to get curious and see if I’m open to getting turned on, rather than shutting it down immediately.
And, if I am in a place where I really don’t want to, I don’t push myself to do it.
3. Initiating Early in the Day Helps
Xander and I like to bring up the idea of connecting earlier in the day, rather than putting each other on the spot.
It takes the pressure off in-the-moment initiation and gives me a chance to think about what I want throughout the day. That space makes it so much easier to find my “yes.”
4. Sex = Emotional + Physical Intimacy
I really understand the interplay between emotional and physical intimacy and how that works in my relationship with Xander. So many of us (and I am guilty of this myself) have this tendency to think of sex as just sex.
Xander and I have had some really great conversations about how sex creates emotional intimacy for both of us. And we’ve had conversations about the kind of emotional intimacy that needs to be in place before we have sex. So if Xander wants to initiate with me, he also knows to connect with me emotionally.
We connect on an emotional level beforehand AND we appreciate that we can create an emotional connection through being physical.
If you’re struggling with the pressure of being “in the mood,” I hope this gives you a fresh perspective!
