Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays! This week I have a question from Jasmine*, who writes, “I’ve heard before that it’s important to ask for what you want in bed. My problem is that I’m relatively inexperienced, and I just don’t know what I want. How am I supposed to ask for what I want if I don’t know what I’m asking for? Help!”

Hi Jasmine, Thanks for your question! It’s one that so many of my clients can relate to. Most people have heard that it’s important to ask for what you want in bed, but a lot of folks share your dilemma of not knowing what it is that they want. I

t’s like going to a restaurant in a foreign country that you’ve never been to before. The menu is in a different language, nothing seems particularly familiar, and you feel totally lost! Fortunately, there are some simple steps you can take to help you figure out what to ask for:

 

Get clear on the goal

The purpose of asking for what you want is to have sex that is enjoyable for you.

A lot of my clients get self-conscious asking for what they want because it can feel like they’re being given a pop quiz that they had no chance to study for. There are no right or wrong answers here, and it doesn’t matter how much experience you have. You’re just going to have some fun adventures discovering what you like!

 

Recognize that asking for something doesn’t mean you have to like it

I think this is one of the areas where people like yourself get tripped up. You may be thinking that you shouldn’t ask for what you want unless you’re absolutely positive that you’ll like what you’re asking for.

I like to reframe the questions as “what do I want to try?” instead of “what do I want?” That helps drive home the point that if you ask for something and don’t end up liking it, it’s not a problem.

 

Realize that “what you want” isn’t always going to be the same

Sexual interactions vary wildly depending on your partner, the circumstance, your mood, and an endless number of other variables. It’s important to think of what you want a constantly-evolving exploration rather than a fixed value. What you like and want at one point in your life is going to be completely different than at another.

 

Think about what you have liked and disliked in the past

This might seem like an obvious step, but a lot of people don’t take the time to do it.

Sit down and think through your sexual history. What have been your most fun sexual experiences, and why were they so fun? What made your worst sexual experiences so bad? Your past experiences, no matter how few in number, are rife with examples of what you did and didn’t like.

 

Don’t be afraid to keep it general

Sometimes my clients get freaked out thinking they have to give incredibly specific, step-by-step instructions to their partners. This is absolutely not the case. Even something as simple as “slow down a little” can be enough.

 

Ask your partner to help you explore

Get your partner involved in the experimentation, so you don’t feel like you’re the only one trying to figure out what you like.

Try two different things on your partner, and ask which one is their favorite. Then have them do the same thing back to you.

If you’re feeling pressured to give a specific response, you can say something simple like, “I don’t really know what I want right now, but maybe we could try some things together?”

 

Don’t get goal oriented about it

People can get so wrapped up in trying to reach orgasm that they focus specifically on what will help get them there the fastest. There are so many other wonderful aspects of sex that get neglected when you focus solely on orgasm. Instead, ask for what feels the most fun, pleasurable, or engaging in that particular moment.

 

Have fun!