This week’s reader question comes from Hayley*, who writes, “I want to ask you about this strange response I have to my boyfriend. I’m embarrassed to admit that I have this problem, but I also want so desperately to fix it. We’ve been together a little over a year, and recently moved in together. What happens is that whenever I think there’s a potential for him to initiate sex, I can feel my whole body tense up. Sometimes all it takes is him looking at me a certain way, but usually it’s when he touches me or tries to kiss me. It only happens when we’re in our house, not when we’re out in public or there are other people around. Our sex life is fine… it’s a little boring and we’re probably having less sex than we should be, but it’s not horrible. I do feel guilty if I’m not in the mood when he initiates, so maybe it’s that? I hate that I have this reaction with someone I love and trust.”

 

Hi Hayley,

Thanks for the question. The first thing I want you to know is that this is a reaction that so many women have described to me. Every woman has thought that she must be the only woman in the world having this experience, so I want you to know that that’s absolutely not the case.

Even though you’re feeling embarrassed, see if you can get curious about what happens for you in those moments. The next time you feel your body tense up, try gently asking yourself, “what’s going on for me right now?” Listen to whatever response pops into your head.

This reaction means different things for different women, but here are some of the most common causes I’ve come across:

 

Because you don’t feel comfortable saying no

Sexual communication is hard for all of us, and the moments around sexual initiation are particularly difficult.

You said that you feel “guilty” turning down sex, and that you only have this reaction when sex is logistically possible, so that makes me wonder if your body is tensing up because you’re not confident in your ability to say “no”.

 

Because of your history

Body tension is common among women who have experienced sexual abuse. To be perfectly clear: not every woman who has the response you described has been sexually abused.

For women with an abuse history, this reaction can be a result of the disconnect between your brain and your body. Your brain gets that the guy in front of you is your boyfriend, and is someone that you know wouldn’t hurt you. But your body doesn’t understand that logic. Your body’s instinct is to protect you from any possibility of being harmed again.

You may also have this reaction if you’ve experienced sexual pain. Your body is sending the message, “don’t do that again! It hurt last time!”

 

Because you don’t like being wanted

Being desired can make a lot of women feel uncomfortable. Sex is arguably the most vulnerable activity we engage in. When you’re a heterosexual woman, your body is literally being penetrated by another person’s body.

Your boyfriend’s initiations might be forcing you to confront your body image, your self-esteem, or your relationship with your sexuality. Even though these are little moments of interaction, they can bring up some big stuff!

 

Because you don’t like his initiation

This dynamic comes up frequently in long-term relationships. When you’ve been with someone for a while, you can start to get a little sloppy about the way you initiate sex.

I’ve heard everything from, “my boyfriend things ‘honking’ my boobs is foreplay,” to “my husband gropes at me like he owns my body.” If you don’t like how your boyfriend initiates intimacy, of course your body is going to go into shut-down mode.

 

Now let’s talk about what you can do in the moment.

 

Employ self-talk

When you feel your body tense up, tell yourself, “This is my boyfriend. He loves me, and he’s not going to hurt me. I can say no if I want to.” Play around with that statement until you find the words that feel natural to you. Reminding yourself of what’s actually happening can help you immediately relax.

 

Take a deep breath

Sometimes that’s all it takes to feel calmer in the moment.

 

Play the red light/green light game

This is one of my favorite strategies because it can feel light and playful.

Tell your boyfriend that you want to play an adult version of red light/green light. Whenever either of you calls out “red light” the other person has to freeze exactly where they are. They can’t move until you say “green light”.

If your boyfriend starts moving towards you, call out “red light.” Take a breath or use some self-talk, then say, “green light” when you feel ready. Or you can make him stay frozen while you move closer to him! Having the approach be on your terms may help you feel more relaxed and open.

 

*Names changed for privacy