Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays. As a reminder, I’ll be addressing one reader email every other week, so if you have a specific question you’d like answered or a topic you’d like covered, please email me. If you’re interested in counseling, call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to schedule a consultation.

This week’s question comes from Jordan,* who writes, “I have a different type of question – I don’t ever feel the desire to have sex. I have never enjoyed sex, and I never want it. I’m embarrassed to talk to my doctor about this, but still I’m worried that something’s wrong. Is this normal?”

Hi Jordan,

Sexual desire and expression are incredibly complex topics. There is no “normal”.

What you are describing may be asexuality. Asexuality is a very commonly misunderstood topic. In essence, all that asexual means is that you don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone.

You might be able to appreciate someone’s good looks or charms, but you don’t feel the desire to engage in sexual activities with them. You could want to have romantic relationships with another person, you could fall in love with them, but you still don’t want to have sex with them.

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) was founded in 2001 to help spread awareness and more accurate information about asexuality. They have an excellent website full of resources for those who want to learn more about asexuality.

They make a couple of great points that I wish to highlight here:

• Like any other sexual identity, asexuality can be fluid. You may have periods of your life where you identify as asexual, and others where you don’t. Just as sexual people can find themselves in asexual relationships, asexual people can find themselves in sexual relationships.

• You can choose whether or not you want to identify yourself with the “asexual” label. I like how AVEN puts it in their FAQ section: “Labels and categories do not define you, they describe you. They’re a shorthand for expressing the complexity of your identity to others and a springboard from which you can explore and understand yourself. If a label isn’t working for you then you don’t have to use it.”

• Some people equate celibacy with asexuality, but this is not the case. Celibacy is making the conscious decision not to have sex, whereas asexuality is not ever having the desire to have sex.

• There is no evidence that asexuality is caused by trauma or bad childhood experiences. While there certainly are trauma survivors who now identify as asexual, there is no causal link.

I can’t tell you what is “normal” for you, but I can provide you with a couple of questions to think about.

Have you had any recent or drastic changes in your level of desire? While asexuality can be fluid, significant changes in your level of desire can be a sign that something is going on medically or emotionally.

Side effects of medications, stress, hormone levels, relationship problems, or changes from pregnancy, menopause, or aging are just some of the potential causes for decreased sexual desire.

I know that it can be uncomfortable discussing sexual matters with your physician, but it can also bring great peace of mind to rule out any medical causes to a sudden change in sexual desire.

Do you feel OK with your level of desire? You may feel scared, embarrassed, or confused about your sexuality, but deep down, do you have the sense that this is just who you are?

It’s important to try to separate out societal or familial expectations of what you’re “supposed” to be like, and get to the heart of what you know to be true about yourself.

If the notion of asexuality resonates with you, I encourage you to check out AVEN’s website and start exploring the relationship you want to have with asexuality.