Do you struggle with the #1 bedroom blockage?

August 04,2020

Welcome to Week 4 of the Slay Your Shoulds challenge! 

Can you believe we’re already at the end of the challenge?!

I hope you’ve enjoyed learning more about the limiting beliefs that are getting in ALL of our ways, and have made progress creating a sex life that feels more authentic, passionate, playful, and FUN!

So let’s wrap it up with the most common sexual “should.”

By far and away, this was the #1 response…

Sexual Should #1: “I Should Know What I Want And Be Able To Communicate It To My Partner”

I LOVE coaching people about this very topic… so much so that I’ve offered a masterclass on this in the past: How To Ask For What You Want In The Bedroom (And Even Know What You Want In The First Place!).  Since this was far and away the most common “should” in the survey, I decided to pull this masterclass out of our vault and open up for this weekend only. And I added some fun surprises to it too!

This is another funny “should” because I agree with it! You do deserve to communicate with your partner about what you want! Communication is a healthy and essential part of an amazing sex life.

But there’s a funny kind of perfectionism that comes up for a lot of people when it comes to communicating their likes and dislikes. 

A lot of people feel like they have to know exactly what they want, that they have to give their partners precise and specific directions, and that they have to be 100% sure they’ll love anything they request.

Like you should be able to tell your partner, “First I need 3.5 minutes of making out, with a gentle amount of tongue. Then I want you to kiss down the side of my neck for 25 seconds. Not too hard, but not too soft either. Next you’ll need to take off my clothes in this order…” 

Of course that’s going to feel intimidating! 

No matter how familiar you get with your own wants and likes, you’re never going to know exactly what you need, so that makes the idea of having to give these perfect step-by-step directions feel even more overwhelming. 

Even with something as simple as a back massage, it’s not like you can sit down and make a list of exactly what you’re going to want, and when. You can’t guess beforehand exactly what’s going to feel good in the moment!

“What you want” isn’t a static thing. It’s constantly evolving. 

You could want your partner to be rough and aggressive one day, but be totally turned off by that the next day. Your partner could initiate in a way that makes you swoon one night, but makes you roll your eyes the next. 

We need a different way of thinking about our wants. 

Slay This Should

I’m going to give you a super simple, but super effective tool! 

When thinking about your wants, ask yourself a different question:

“What’s something that might feel good right now?”

Asking yourself the question in this way serves a couple of different purposes:

  1. It helps you focus on one thing at a time, instead of creating that pressure that you need to deliver an entire roadmap of sequential steps.
  1. It includes the word “might”, so it sends you the message that you can ask for something, but then not necessarily end up enjoying it. And that’s OK!
  1. It’s a reminder that you don’t need to know exactly what you want beforehand. You just have to come up with ideas of things to try in the moment. “Something to try” can be as small as having your partner move their hand a little to the left, or kissing you a little harder, or it can be something bigger, like changing positions or switching to a different sexual activity.

It’s a totally different way of thinking about your wants in the bedroom, and it’s guaranteed to make you feel more relaxed and confident. 

P.S. Want to do a deep dive into discovering what you like in the bedroom, and developing the skills to ask for it? 

Check out my masterclass, How To Ask For What You Want In The Bedroom (And Even Know What You Want In The First Place!)


How Much Sex Should You Really Be Having?


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!