Is your partner important enough for you to do this?

July 30,2019


All month, we’ve been exploring what separates sexually satisfied couples from unsatisfied ones. (Missed the previous 10 tips? You can find them here, here, and here.)

Obviously, we were going to talk about sex this month!

What might surprise you about these tips is that they’re very practical and doable. So let’s get right to them!

Make sure to read through to the end of this email – or heck, skip down there right now – because I have a surprise bonus in store for you!

Sexual Satisfaction Secret #11: Talk about your sex life

Great sex requires great communication! You’ll find me shouting that phrase from the rooftops until the day I die! 

For today, I’ll give you one of my all-time favorite prompts to get a conversation started with your partner: “What’s one of your favorite sexual memories with me?”

This prompt is positively-rooted, so it should be a fun one to talk about! You might get some giggles or coy smiles, but it’s unlikely to lead to embarrassment or discomfort.

Plus, if you ask some follow-up questions like, “What made it so great?” or “Why did you like that aspect of it so much?”, you’ll get tons of valuable information about what your partner enjoys!

It’s a great way to ease into talking about sex. 

Sexual Satisfaction Secret #12: Learn what turns your partner on and off 

I know this can seem like a big, scary topic at first, but let me break it down for you. 

I like to think about sex drive as having two modes: Drive mode and Reverse mode. 

Drive mode includes the things that get you in the mood for sex. 

Reverse mode includes the things that actively turn you off. 

Ask your partner these two questions: 

Just to give you some examples, some of the things that put me in Drive are: compliments, flirting, and slow, teasing touch. I get put into Reverse when Xander doesn’t seem excited about being intimate, or when I can tell that he’s somewhere else mentally and emotionally. 

Xander says, “I get put into Drive seeing Vanessa wearing something sexy, being touched, Vanessa initiating, and talking about sex. I get put into Reverse when I know we don’t have much time or we’re supposed to be somewhere soon, and when I’m feeling stressed.”

This can be an eye-opening conversation to have with your partner. We tend to think we know everything about our partners, but you might not realize that there are one or two seemingly small or random things might put them into Drive or Reverse!

Sexual Satisfaction Secret #13: Make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list

Ironically this is the last tip, but if I had to pick just one item out of the 13 I’ve shared with you this month, I think it would be this one. 

I truly believe that making sex a priority is the absolute best thing that you can do for your relationship. 

I really feel it in my own relationship when Xander and I are making sex a priority versus when we aren’t. And there’s a complete overlap between how sexually satisfied or unsatisfied I feel at that time. 
If I feel like our sex life is important to Xander, that matters way more to me than the actual quality of the sex we have.


How Much Sex Should You Really Be Having?


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!