Six things you MUST know about your fantasies

October 06,2020

Can you believe it’s October already?!

October is my favorite month of the year. I LOVE the crisp Fall air, spooky Halloween vibes, and all things pumpkin. Plus it’s Xander and my anniversary! (We’ve been married 9 years this year, and together for 13.)

So we knew we had to pick an awesome topic to match this awesome month. 

And we decided to go with something that we’ve been getting a LOT of requests for lately…


I’ve been getting so many questions about fantasies over on Instagram:

“Is my fantasy weird?”

“How do I tell my partner about my fantasies without hurting their feelings, getting turned down, or being made fun of?”

“Should I actually try out my fantasy?”

“What do I do if I don’t have any fantasies? Am I just boring?”

So let’s kick things off with 6 things you need to know about fantasies…

Fantasy Fact #1: Fantasies are totally normal!

Of course we have to start here! It’s common, normal, healthy, and OK to have fantasies.

All that a “fantasy” is is something that turns you on when you think about it. 

For some people, fantasies feel strong. For others, they’re pretty mild. But we all  have ‘em! (Yes, even if you don’t think you do….)

Fantasy Fact #2: Fantasies don’t have to be intense or kinky

So many people hear the word “fantasy” and think it needs to mean something really elaborate. Like you have a fantasy about being an Amazonian woman who takes a local villager captive and turns them into your personal plaything.

If you do have detailed and kinky fantasies, that’s totally cool.

But there are no rules when it comes to fantasies!

You can have a fantasy about slow, romantic – or even totally vanilla – sex. 

You can have a fantasy about your crush or your partner being wildly attracted to you. 

You can have a fantasy about a full body massage, a luxurious bath, or light kisses on your back.

Fantasies can be as tame or as wild as you want them to be!

Fantasy Fact #3: You don’t have to act on your fantasies

A lot of people get scared of their fantasies because they’re not sure they would like them in real life.

The truth is that lots of people fantasize about things they would never want to actually try IRL. That’s what makes it a fantasy!

Fantasizing about something doesn’t mean you HAVE to do it.

Plus, sometimes the things that we know we would never do in real life are the things that turn us on the most in our fantasy, because they feel “naughty” or “forbidden.”

For example, let’s say you and your partner have a fantasy about a threesome, but you also really value monogamy. Having this fantasy doesn’t mean you MUST have a threesome in real life.

You are never under any obligation to act on any or all of your fantasies!

It might be helpful for you to differentiate between your fantasies and your desires. 

Fantasies are the things you think about that turn you on. 

Desires are the things you actually want to happen. 

Sometimes making that differentiation can make it easier to acknowledge what turns us on.

Fantasy Fact #4: Your fantasies don’t mean anything

Some people think that fantasies are clues to your deepest, darkest desires. Like they reveal something about you that you may be too scared to admit.

For example, a lot of straight-identifying people fantasize about being with someone of the same sex, and worry that it means they’re with the wrong partner.

But the truth is that our fantasies often don’t have any deeper meanings. 

Fantasizing about being with someone of the same sex doesn’t automatically mean you’re gay, lesbian, or even bisexual. Fantasizing about someone forcing you to have sex doesn’t mean you secretly want to be raped. Fantasizing about being a submissive in the bedroom doesn’t mean you’re a weak person.

Fantasy Fact #5: You don’t have to be sure about your fantasies

Having a fantasy isn’t a guarantee that you will like it in real life.

In my experience, men and women tend to have very different ideas of what “fantasy” means.

When I ask a man what his fantasies are, he’ll usually rattle off a bunch of ideas. He’ll mention things he’s never tried before or things he’s not sure he’ll like. 

When I ask a woman what her fantasies are, she’ll usually say, “I don’t have any.” 

Maybe you’ve had a similar experience yourself, or with a woman in your life. 

When I dig in a little deeper with her, I usually discover that she feels like she has to know, 100%, without a doubt, that she will love something in order to call it a fantasy.

If you want to try out a fantasy (which again, you don’t have to do), you don’t have to know for certain beforehand that you’ll love it.

And even if you just like to play with your fantasy in your head and never act it out, you also don’t need to be sure you’d like it in real life. 

So don’t close yourself off to a fantasy just because you’re not sure you’d actually like it. 

Fantasy Fact #6: Fantasies don’t have to be serious

You’ve probably heard me talk before about how I think most people take their sex lives far too seriously. Fantasies are no exception. Most of us talk about fantasies in a very somber, “adult” way. 

But fantasies can be silly and playful too!

You can fantasize about stuff that makes you laugh. You can act out fantasies that feel ridiculous and goofy. 

Again, there are no rules here!


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!