This past week, the internet has been abuzz with the story of a husband who sent his wife a detailed Excel spreadsheet of all the times she had turned him down for sex. Over a six-week period, the husband kept track of the dates that he initiated sex and her specific reasons for rejecting him, which included “I feel gross”, “I ate too much” and “I need to shower.” The husband sent the spreadsheet to his wife along with an email explaining that he was upset that they had only had sex three times in six weeks.

While most responses to the spreadsheet are shock that the husband would go to such great lengths to create and share this document, I’m frankly not surprised that he did so. As a sex therapist, I’ve seen the immense level of sensitivity that people have to the frequency with which they have sex. We’re not taught how to communicate about sex openly and honestly, so many of us wind up feeling powerless to make any changes to our sex lives. Sexual frustration, coupled with that sense of helplessness, can drive people to act pretty harshly.

Its easy to write the husband off as being horny, but the reality is that sex means so much more than just getting your rocks off. Sex helps us feel connected, and it’s one of the most powerful ways to share our love with our partners. I have no idea what kind of relationship this couple has (or used to have), but I’d be willing to guess that the husband is not missing just sex, but intimacy and closeness as well.

Of course, this spreadsheet isn’t likely to get the husband what he wants. The wife was actually the one to share the spreadsheet on Reddit, and it’s obvious that she’s quite angry and upset. I don’t blame her!

But just because the husband went about this in one of the worst possible ways imaginable doesn’t discount his desire for more frequent sex. Mismatched sex drives are a factor in almost all relationships, and odds are that most of us can sympathize with feeling sexually frustrated.

Had this couple come in to see me for sex therapy, I could have helped them find ways to feel more connected in the bedroom without having to resort to lashing out at each other.

Inspired by the spreadsheet, here are some ideas for using Excel to navigate mismatched sex drives with your partner:

• Create a team spreadsheet to track the situations that make the two of you more open to being intimate with each other. For example, you might realize that Sundays are great days for the two of you to connect because you’re always well-rested and relaxed.
• Make individual spreadsheets of the ways that you like having sex initiated. One partner might be more open to sexual initiation when the bedroom is clean and free of clutter, while another might share that they like getting a backrub first.
• Together, use a spreadsheet to keep track of every time you have sex. Many couples don’t have an accurate sense of how frequently or infrequently they’re having sex. Use the spreadsheet to take an objective look at the state of your sex life, and talk about it together. The key is to make the spreadsheet together.
• Use a spreadsheet individually to track whenever you feel desire. This is a great way to actually increase your overall level of desire, as desire is something that grows the more you pay attention to it. You can even get really specific and track your level of arousal throughout the day, using a 1-10 scale.