Last week I was quoted in a Jezebel article titled, “The Truth About How Much A Happy Couple Should Have Sex.” I’m a long-time Gawker family reader, so I was honored to be a part of the piece. The article cited the fact that many marriage therapists tell their clients to have sex twice a week. This advice is based on anecdotal research that has shown that couples who have sex twice a week report higher levels of happiness than those who have sex more infrequently.

Unfortunately, this research wasn’t particularly thorough, and it didn’t address the chicken-or-the-egg question of what comes first – happiness or frequent sex. Do happy couples have more sex because they’re feeling close and connected, or does having sex make couples happier?

As I share in the article, I am vehemently opposed to this advice. The number one reason that brings couples in to see me is differing sex drives, so I’m pretty familiar with this territory.

I know how painful it can be to navigate how often to have sex. Getting turned down for sex, or having to turn your partner down, is hard even when the relationship is relatively stable. When the relationship is on tenuous ground due to fighting or communication problems, it can be even more difficult.

Throwing out an overly simplistic rule like “have sex twice a week” doesn’t help matters much. Here are my three main reasons why I don’t support the twice-a-week standard:

• I’ve seen the crippling effects that these sorts of rules or guidelines can have on couples. We get bombarded by so many messages about what we’re “supposed” to do when it comes to sex already (“be sexy but not slutty”, “wait for him to initiate”, etc). Throwing another arbitrary rule on the table only makes people feel more anxiety. It becomes another way that they’re not “normal” or not measuring up.

• Giving this generic advice bypasses the individual reasons the couple is struggling with their sex life in the first place. The couple may be having a power struggle that is surfacing in the bedroom. One partner may be going through biological changes that are affecting their arousal levels. The sex that they’re having may be so unpleasant that one partner starts pulling away. Someone might be getting triggered by past sexual abuse. The possibilities are endless, and each couple needs individualized attention rather than canned one-size-fits-all advice.

• I firmly believe that the process of negotiating a sexual relationship that feels authentic, flexible, and connected is one of the most enriching experiences a couple can go through. The opportunities for personal and relational growth are immense.

So there’s no set-in-stone rule for how often couples should have sex. What’s much more important than forcing yourself to sleep together an arbitrary number of times is to find ways to talk about and work on your sex life together.

You’re going to be much happier as a couple if you feel confident initiating sex, know how to turn down sex kindly, find ways to prioritize your intimate relationship, and put effort into keeping your sex life exciting.