“I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

That’s the response I hear most frequently when I ask a prospective client what it would be like to request that their partner come to therapy with them.

The second most frequent response?

“I would almost rather keep suffering than have to ask my partner to go to sex therapy.” 

These responses always bum me out. I know that asking your partner to go to sex therapy can seem scary. Asking for help in general is difficult for most people, and throwing sex into the mix can feel even more intimidating.

That being said, I also know that this process can be much more straightforward than you think. You just need a few simple guidelines to help you piece together how to make your ask.

 

It’s OK to ask

Many people feel like they should go to sex therapy on their own, even when they’re in relationships. Women in particular tend to take on the full responsibility for seeking help.

I strongly encourage couples to seek counseling together. Even if your issue is based on your own history or past experiences, it’s still happening within the context of your relationship. You’ll be more successful making improvements to your sex life if both of you are working on it together.

 

When to ask

Sex is an embarrassing topic to talk about for most people, so you want to try to initiate the conversation when you’re both relaxed. Aim for a time when you’re not rushed, and will actually have the opportunity to talk to each other.

Don’t ask your partner during or immediately after any kind of sexual contact. The moments around a sexual interaction are too vulnerable for this kind of discussion.

When you talk to your partner, keep your tone as calm as possible. You may want to try saying the words out loud a few times. You can also try looking at yourself in the mirror while you’re talking. You don’t want to over-rehearse, but you’ll feel more confident if you’ve had a little practice.

 

What to say

I’ve found that the best approach is to keep it simple and clear. There are four parts, outlined below, to an effective ask.

Use these four steps and the worksheet at the end of this post to help you decide what you’re going to say well before asking your partner. Having a plan can help calm your nerves.

Explain to your partner how you’re feeling in the moment

This is an important step because it helps your partner feel closer and more connected to you. If your partner knows up front that you’re feeling nervous, scared, or worried, he or she is a lot less likely to feel defensive.

Say something positive about your partner or your relationship

This will help your partner relax and be more receptive to listening to you. It’s also a good way to calm your own nerves.

State your reasons for wanting to go

It’s vital that your partner understand the context of your desire to seek sex therapy.

You may want to address the history of the issues, the effects they have been having on you, or your goals for therapy.

Use “I” statements as much as possible, like, “I want to have sex more frequently” instead of, “you never want to have sex anymore.” Try not to be accusatory or push your partner’s buttons. You want to be taking a step forward, not rehashing old arguments.

You can also reassure your partner that your intentions in seeking assistance are to bring you closer together. You want to convey that you value your intimate connection. Sex therapy should be seen as a way to protect, strengthen, or invest in your sex life, rather than as a threat to your relationship.

Ask your partner to participate

This should be the most straight-forward part of the process. Be direct in asking for what you want.

It can be tempting to try to downplay your request with lines like, “it would be nice if you came, but you don’t have to” or “maybe this is something I should do on my own first”, but a better approach is to make your request something that can only be responded to with “yes” or “no”, like, “will you come with me?”

 

Examples

Here are a few examples that you can tailor based on your particular situation:

“I want to talk to you about our sex life, but I’m feeling nervous about bringing it up with you. I know we’ve been having sex less frequently, which is hard for me because the sex we do have is so amazing. I miss being able to connect with you on an intimate level. I want us to go to sex therapy together to try to reconnect. Can you do this with me?”

 

“I’m a little embarrassed to talk about this topic, but I want to discuss something important with you. I know we’re going to be together for the rest of our lives, and I would love for us to learn new things to try out in the bedroom together. I want us to make time to keep exploring and having fun together. Will you see this sex therapist with me?”

 

“Can we check in for a few minutes? I want to talk to you about our sex life, but I’m feeling scared. You’re such a supportive partner, which is the only reason I feel comfortable enough to bring this up in the first place. I know I’ve never been able to orgasm, and I’d like to start learning how. It would mean so much to me if you could support me by going to a few therapy sessions.”

Once your partner has heard – and hopefully agreed to – your request, you can keep reinforcing that the process is a team effort. Read about what to expect from sex therapy. Research different approaches. Look up a few different sex therapists, and try to find someone that appeals to both of you.

Even with these guidelines, you may still feel nervous about talking to your partner. That’s OK!

When you feel yourself hesitating, keep in mind that your reasons for asking are good ones. You’re seeking to strengthen your relationship, feel more comfortable with each other, and work towards having a sex life that is pleasurable, exciting, fulfilling, and enlivening!

That’s certainly worth a little discomfort, isn’t it?

 

Asking Your Partner To Go To Sex Therapy Worksheet