I recently had the pleasure of attending a talk by Dr. Helen Fisher, held at the Norse Theater here in San Francisco.

Dr. Fisher is an anthropologist and professor at Rutgers University. She has focused most of her career on the science behind attraction, love, and relationships.

Some of Dr. Fisher’s most famous work has involved studying the MRI scans of people who have recently fallen in love, and comparing them to the scans of those who have been in long-term relationships.

Dr. Fisher developed a theory that humans evolved three distinct systems for relationships: lust, attraction, and attachment.

Lust describes our biological sex drives.

Attraction involves the initial stages of a serious new relationship, which are typically characterized by chemistry and intensity.

Attachment sets in during long-term relationships, and describes the feelings of commitment and stability.

At the end of Dr. Fisher’s talk, she was asked by an audience member for advice on how to keep a relationship alive. Building off of her three brain systems, Dr. Fisher offered three pieces of advice that I thought were brilliant in their simplicity:

 

Have sex

Dr. Fisher explained the chemical processes that happen in our emotional brain centers when we have sex. The more we actually have sex, the more we want to have sex.

While I would never recommend that anyone force themselves to have sex, I think a lot of couples – especially long-term ones – end up waiting for circumstances to be “just right” in order to have sex. They want to have enough energy, be in a good enough mood, have enough time, feel healthy enough, feel desirous enough, have bathed recently enough, and on and on.

Sometimes it can be better to just go for it, even if the situation isn’t perfect. And doing so will help you want to have sex even more!

 

Create novelty

Fisher talked about the tendency for couples to settle into routine. With routine, boredom can develop very easily. She discussed couples who go to the same restaurants, watch the same movies, and play the same games over and over.

Fisher said this problem can be easily remedied by trying to do new things with your partner. Go to a new restaurant, plan a new type of date, explore a new interest, cook a new type of cuisine, learn a new language, or travel to a new country.

Trying different things activates areas in our brains that keep us engaged, interested, and connected.

 

Touch each other

Dr. Fisher discovered that a lot of long-term couples tend to stop being as physically affectionate with each other as they were at the beginning of their relationships.

Humans are physical creatures, and touch is the most basic way we convey caring and attachment to each other.

It can be as simple as spending a few extra moments hugging, holding hands as you walk, giving a playful pat on the butt, or giving a backrub. Continuing to emphasize touch will help you feel bonded to your partner long after the initial thrill of early chemistry wears off.

 

So there you have it, three incredibly easy, scientifically-proven ways to keep your relationship going!