The Weekend Sexperiment: A New Way To Talk About Sex With Your Partner

August 29,2014

If you’re currently in a long-term relationship, when was the last time you and your partner had an in-depth conversation about sex?

I’m willing to venture that you probably can’t come up with an answer.

We don’t often take the time to talk about sex with our long-term partners the same way we usually do in the early stages of a relationship. When we’re just starting to be intimate with someone new, we tend to ask lots of questions about what our partner likes, what they have tried, and what they would like to do. We want to impress them with our sexual skills and fearless sense of openness.

As our relationships progress, we stop having these kinds of conversations about sex. Once we’ve had sex a certain amount of times, we start to assume we know what our partner likes and dislikes. Many of these assumptions might be true, but some of them are not.

Not actively communicating about our sexual likes and desires on a regular basis starts to damage sexual relationships. Becoming complacent about sexual communication translates to complacency in the bedroom too. Plus, people’s tastes change over time, so the assumptions we made earlier in the relationship may not be accurate anymore.

A New Way Of Talking About Sex With Your Partner | Vanessa Marin Sex Therapy

This weekend, your Sexperiment is to have a conversation with your partner about sex. To make this process a little more fun, try pretending that you’re back in the early stages of your relationship and having your first conversation about sex.

You can be as creative with this Sexperiment as you’d like! Go back to a place where you had one of your earlier dates. Or pretend it’s your very first date, and “introduce” yourselves to each other. Be lighthearted and have fun with it!

Here are some questions you might want to ask each other. You can memorize some of your favorites, or pull up the list on your cell phone and surreptitiously check it under the table. Or come up with your own questions! Don’t feel like you have to ask every single one; just ask the ones that seem interesting to you.

How would you describe your sexual style?
What are your top three positions?
How would you rank some of the most common foreplay activities?
How do you feel about anal?
What about kink?
What’s your favorite way to please your partner?
Are there certain foreplay techniques you really like?
What’s something you would like to try that you haven’t yet?
What’s something you know you would never try?
What are your favorite parts of sex?
What scares or intimidates you about sex?
What kind of lingerie do you like?
What does it feel like when you orgasm?
What body parts turn you on the most?
What kinds of toys do you like using on your own or during sex?
How do you like initiating sex?
How do you like someone else to initiate sex with you?
What’s sexy to you?

Odds are you haven’t ever asked each other many of these questions, so it’s perfectly fine if you find yourself hesitating or feeling embarrassed. Be supportive of each other in being honest.

It’s also important to be open to the possibility of being surprised by your partner or learning something new about them. You might have always assumed that your partner’s favorite position was missionary, and be shocked to hear that he says it’s actually doggystyle. Being surprised doesn’t mean that you’ve been doing anything “wrong”. In fact, this exercise will be far more productive if you gather some new information about your partner than if you’re able to correctly guess all of their answers.

Happy Sexperimenting!

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HI THERE!

I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!