Embarrassed that you don’t have any fantasies? Here are 8 questions to help you uncover them!

October 13,2020

It’s one of my least-favorite questions that people ask in the bedroom…

“What’s your fantasy?”

I don’t know about you, but any time a partner would ask me that question in the past, I’d freeze like a deer in headlights.

So many thoughts would rush through my head…

“My partner probably wants me to be super kinky, but I don’t have a great answer…. That’s embarrassing” 

“What if I mention something that my partner is totally turned off by? Will they judge me?”

“If I mention it, is my partner going to pressure me to do it?”

“Is my partner only asking because they have some secret fantasy they want to confess?”

It’s a nightmare, isn’t it?!

I know I’m not alone here. I hear from so many people who say they struggle to answer the question, “What’s your fantasy?”

So this week, I want to help you figure out what the heck your fantasies even are!

First, let’s talk about what’s getting in the way of you uncovering your fantasies:

Fantasy blockage #1: You haven’t tried to find your fantasies

This one is a quickie, but it’s important!

So many people expect that their fantasies should be so strong that they’re  impossible to ignore. 

But the truth is that you have to make an active effort to uncover your fantasies! 

Sometimes fantasies just appear out of nowhere, but more often than not, they need to be coaxed out. That’s what this month will help you do!

Fantasy blockage #2: You’re scared of your fantasies

We talked about this last week, but I have to mention it again. So many people get freaked out about their fantasies, so they try to repress them. But remember some of the fantasy facts I already shared with you:

If you think you might be scared of your own fantasies, see if you can allow yourself to recognize the difference between fantasy and reality. 

If you tell yourself, “it’s OK to have a fantasy and never act on it”, does that help you feel more comfortable starting to think about your fantasies? 

Or you can try asking yourself, “What’s something that I would never do in real life, but feels kind of hot to think about?”

Fantasy blockage #3: You’re worried about being judged

Similarly, you may have a hard time acknowledging your fantasies to yourself or to others because you’re afraid of what your partner would think about them. 

Maybe you’ll worry that your partner will think you’re “gross”, “perverted”, “weird”, or on the other extreme, just “boring.”

Later this month, I’ll share with you how you can start talking to your partner about your fantasies in a safe and constructive way. 

But for now, I want you to imagine your partner being completely open and accepting of your fantasies. If you could press a magic button and ensure that your partner would have a wonderful, judgment-free response, what fantasies might you share with them?

If even that feels too tricky, let’s just imagine that you will never, ever have to tell your partner about your fantasies. Do any ideas come to mind in that scenario?

OK, now let’s move on to…

8 questions to help you uncover your fantasies

  1. What are your first memories of learning about sex? 

What did you think sex was? What felt appealing about it? Was there anything that confused you, or scared you a little about it? For example, maybe you had a fantasy about an older kid in your school “showing you the ropes.”

  1. What are your top five sexual experiences? 

Is there anything that most of those experiences have in common? Or is there anything that really stands out? Maybe you had a super hot one-night stand with a guy who let you be in complete control.

  1. What do you think about when you masturbate? 

This one might sound obvious, but so few people think about it! For example, maybe you always think about what it would be like for someone to walk in on you and catch you having sex. 

  1. Have you ever had sex dreams? 

If so, what has happened in those dreams?

  1. What are your favorite sex scenes in books, movies, or TV shows? 

What did you like about those scenarios? I just had a conversation with a group of women who vividly recalled watching the sex scene in Fear between Reese Witherspoon and Mark Wahlberg as preteens. But they all liked the scene for different reasons!

  1. What do you think about the most popular fantasies? 
  1. If you got paid $100,000 to write an erotic novel, what would you write about?
  1. What activates each of your senses the most?

What turns you on visually? What type of touch feels good? What sorts of sounds are arousing? What kinds of tastes feel erotic? What kinds of smells get you in the mood?


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!