How to stop feeling awkward in the bedroom and start having fun!

February 16,2021

If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen a story I posted a few weeks back about Xander engaging in some “choreplay.” He did one of the most awkward, cringe-worthy dances – with a broom no less! –  I’ve ever seen.

And you know what?

I still wanted to have sex with him! 

If you’re like most people, you’re deathly afraid of being “awkward” in the bedroom. And you’re probably holding yourself back in so many ways because of that fear. 

Maybe you’re not allowing yourself to receive oral sex, or try Reverse Cowgirl, or or talk dirty. 

So today let’s talk about…

How to stop feeling awkward in the bedroom and start having fun! 

Tip #1 – Air Your Fears Out

First it’s time to get clear on what, exactly, you’re afraid of being awkward about. 

Making a weird face? Not knowing how to move your hips? Falling out of a position?

Dig deeper than just “being awkward”! 

For example, I used to feel really awkward about talking dirty. I worried I would say something that sounded dumb, and would kill the mood.

When you have some clear answers, share them with your partner.

Our fears have a much stronger hold on us when we keep them inside. Sometimes just speaking them out loud takes away their power!

I told Xander that I had a big fear around saying something weird or goofy. He said, “Honestly, I don’t think I’d even notice. I just think talking dirty is so hot!” Hearing him say that made me feel much more confident to try it. 

Tip #2 – Make A Pact

As you’re thinking through your specific fears, also think about this question: “What’s the worst reaction my partner could have to me doing something awkward?” 

Laugh at you? Stop having sex with you in that very instant? Break up with you?

Identify the specific reaction(s), and share that with your partner too. Ask them to do the same for you.

Then take it a step further and promise each other that you’ll try your hardest to avoid that specific reaction. 

So for example, you could make a pact that you will never shame each other for initiating sex. Even if you can’t believe your partner could choose to initiate sex when you’re on your period and crying over Taco Bell commercials, you won’t make them feel bad for wanting to be intimate.

Tip #3 – Get It All Out

Ready to really get over your fear of being awkward? 

Have an “awkward date” with your partner!

Get naked, then go back and forth doing the most awkward things you can. Make the weirdest noises, faces, requests, and moves. Get it out of your system! 

You’ll probably wind up rolling on the bed in laughter, and realizing that being awkward really, truly isn’t that bad! 

Tip #4 – Find Your Flavor

Rather than focusing so heavily on avoiding awkwardness at all costs, instead try crowding out awkwardness with other kinds of emotions or experiences. 

What kinds of moods or feelings would you like to experience during sex?

To answer this question, think about what kind of couple you and your partner are outside of the bedroom. What are your favorite moods to be in together? Share your top 3-5 qualities with your partner.

For example, one of my favorite things about Xander and my sex life is how much we laugh in the bedroom. I think of sex as the adult version of playing, and Xander and I are ridiculously playful with each other! So rather than focusing on “not being awkward”, I focus on being playful and laughing! 

It’s easier to focus on moving towards something positive than avoiding something negative. 

(For the record, it’s cool if you like sex to be serious! Just don’t pressure yourself to be that way if that’s not you.)

Tip #5 – Embrace The Awkward

At the end of the day, I think there’s something really beautiful and tender about being awkward with your partner. 

Intimacy is your partner seeing all of you. When we talk about love, we talk about our partner loving us despite our faults or our bad moments.  

Do you remember how awkward you used to be at the beginning of your relationship? I’m willing to bet some of your most endearing moments with your partner have probably been some of the most awkward! 

When Xander first said, “I love you” to me, he stuttered and said, “I think I love you.” It was awkward as hellllll, but my heart practically exploded in the moment! 

So why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be absolutely perfect in the bedroom? 

Xander and I have heard each other fart during sex, have made bizarre orgasm faces, have said utter nonsense during dirty talk, and we STILL want to have sex with each other! 

I know your partner feels the same about you! 

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HI THERE!

I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!