Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays. As a reminder, I’ll be addressing one reader email every other week, so if you have a specific question you’d like answered or a topic you’d like covered, please email me. If you’re interested in counseling, call (415) 658-5738 or visit my Appointments page to schedule a consultation.
This week’s question actually comes from someone I recently met at a dinner party. He gave me permission to address the topic here on the blog, with any identifying details obscured. This gentleman confided that the worst fights he and his wife have ever gotten into have been around taking out the trash. They divide up household chores, and it has always been his job to take the trash down when it gets full. He remarked that he was amazed at their ability to have such heated arguments over such a seemingly inconsequential task. He also shared that it has been awhile since they had their last fight about the trash. He was relieved about this turn of events, but also bemused that the respite from fighting was not a result of his taking out the trash more. He noted that his trash gathering habits have actually been worse over the last few months!
This phenomenon is a very common pattern with couples. If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you’ve probably had the experience of having a savage fight over something that now seems embarrassingly silly. While couples of course also fight about big topics like sex and money, the fights about the more mundane things tend to be more frequent and more intense. Why is it that couples are more likely to get in a brawl about the trash than, say, the fact that they’re on different pages when it comes to having kids?
To begin with, there’s the simple truth that when you spend a lot of time with someone, you just naturally get more annoyed with each other! You stop trying to put your best foot forward all the time, and you become more comfortable. You let your partner start seeing some of those irritating habits that you hid from them initially, and you may find yourself feeling more sensitive to their quirks.
Some relationship experts say that this stage is a natural and harmless part of courtship, but others think that the extent to which some of us go is indicative of a test to our partner. It may not register on a conscious level, but there is some part of us that gets scared by the love we are receiving, and tries to find ways to push it away. It can feel as if a part of you is saying, “oh, you think I’m lovable? I bet you won’t think I’m so lovable when I accidentally bleach all of your expensive dress shirts.”
Another reason why couples fight about the trash is that it can be too scary to fight about the things that are really bothering you. Sometimes this is conscious; maybe you’ve had the experience of waiting weeks, months, or even years to finally bring up an aspect of your relationship that scares you. Sometimes it’s unconscious; maybe you’ve had the experience of catching yourself screaming about something and realizing that it’s not actually what’s bothering you. Try imagining yourself in these two scenarios right now: 1. you gave your partner a letter that absolutely needed to be mailed today. You reminded her half a dozen times. Just as you were getting into bed for the night, she told you that she forgot to mail it. 2. your partner recently told you that she wants to move back to her hometown. It’s not a place you would ever want to live, but it’s a dealbreaker for her. I use these examples not to say that you shouldn’t have gotten mad at your partner about not mailing the letter; of course the day to day things we do for our partners are important. I merely use it to illustrate that it can be a lot easier to express your upset about than more mundane things than it can be to sit with deeper, more complicated feelings.
What couples often don’t realize is that day-to-day fights about things like the garbage tend to be problematic because of the meanings we assign to these behaviors. Of course, your partner forgetting yet again to record your favorite TV show can be upsetting simply because you really love that show. But it can also be upsetting because there is some part of you that registers this forgetfulness as meaning something more. We can worry that these day to day things are symptoms of a lack of true caring, or even love. Again, these fears might not always be conscious, but there is some part of you that can turn “he forgot to record my show” into “does he even think about me?” “She left the dirty dishes in the sink again” can turn into, “does she ever recognize how much I do for her?” These fears and doubts are incredibly vulnerable.
Fights about the logistical things can be a sign that something deeper is brewing within the relationship. As my dinner partner noticed, the frequency of his fights with his wife were not related to how good or bad of a job he did with the trash. When your relationship is going well, you have more tolerance for the small annoyances. There’s a sense of good will and wellbeing that serves as a strong foundation for your relationship, and helps defend against the little things.
Sometimes couples can recognize what is behind their fighting, but other times it can be useful to have help from someone on the outside. Of course, this is where couples counselors come into play. They can help you balance acknowledging that yes, you were upset that the trash didn’t get taken out for the third week in a row, but you were also upset because it felt like he didn’t care about you enough to remember. A competent counselor can help you strengthen the foundation of your relationship so it’s more capable of weathering the day to day grind. They can teach you to communicate better and fight more fairly. With a little help, you and your partner can develop a better perspective about your fights.
