Welcome to Reader’s Request Fridays.

This week’s question comes from Patty*. She writes, “I am not very experienced when it comes to sex, but I want to have a better sex life. The problem is, I do not know what I want when it comes to sex, and I do not know how to figure out what I want. When I try to think about what I want, nothing comes to mind. Am I an idiot for not knowing? How do I figure this out?”
Hi Patty,
Thanks for your question. First of all, you absolutely are not an idiot. By making an effort to learn what you want and by asking for help, you’re taking brave steps that most women don’t take. While the question, “What do you want?” when it comes to sex may seem like a simple one, in reality is it probably one of the most complex questions you could possibly consider. One of the reasons why it is so difficult to answer is because it is a tremendously personal topic. There isn’t much else that is as deeply ingrained as our sexualities. It’s also tricky to get to the root of what we want because of the sex-negative culture that most of us have been exposed to. We all get bombarded by messages about the rules that we’re supposed to follow when it comes to sex, and the consequences that we will face if we go outside of those boundaries. Our society can leave little room for curiosity and exploration when it comes to sex. Finally, it’s a tough question to address because it does not have a static, unchanging answer. Our desires are constantly evolving. “What do you want” is a question whose answer will change over the course of your entire life, so I encourage you to view it as an ongoing process.

If you’re interested in trying to explore your sexual desires, I can offer a few suggestions for exercises to try:

• Allow yourself to experiment. Experimentation truly is the best way to get in touch with what you want. I encourage experimentation even for people who think that they know exactly what they like. If you allow yourself to try something new, you may be surprised by the end result. Even if your experiment ends unfavorably, you still have valuable information about what doesn’t work for you.
• If you have a partner, talk to them about different behaviors that you would be willing to try out together. Try to set some parameters around the experimentation to make both of you feel safe. Talk through what you would do if one of you wants to stop part-way through, or if one of you enjoys the experiment but the other does not.
• Try masturbating while thinking through a variety of fantasies. See how aroused you get. For comparison’s sake, try masturbating while fantasizing about something you know does not turn you on.
• Think back to romantic scenes from movies, TV shows, and books that turned you on. If you can’t remember any, you can do a simple Google search for popular sex scenes in movies to jog your memory. Write out descriptions of the romantic or sex scenes that aroused you, and look for similarities. Exactly what was in from that particular scene that turned you on?
• Try to identify the best sex you have ever had. Think about every single detail of the experience, including what led up to it and what happened after it. What jumps out at you? What made that sexual interaction so much better than your other experiences?
• Consider your childhood and adolescent fantasies. Teens can often let themselves get lost in fantasy for days on end, and can create elaborate stories around something as simple as hand-holding. These fantasies may seem silly now that you’re an adult, but they may contain clues about what arouses you.
• Take some time to consider the beliefs about sex that you grew up with. Think about the messages you got directly from your family, peers, religion, race, as well as the messages you got from broader society. You may be blocking yourself from some of your true desires because of a fear that that particular behavior is not “acceptable”. You may want to try writing out a list of “bad” behaviors, and sit with what it would feel like if that truly was something you were interested in. What sorts of feelings come up for you? Are those feelings familiar?

I hope this helps you on your quest Patty!

*Names changed for privacy