Three questions to ask yourself if you’ve lost attraction to your partner

December 15,2020

When we’re talking about loss of attraction, it’s easy to fixate on weight gain, messy clothing, unbrushed hair and teeth, and farts. Oh, the farts!

But attraction is so much more than just that.

When I was combing through all of your messages and comments on Instagram, one thing I noticed was that you kept mentioning things like lack of motivation, lack of drive, lack of effort, and lack of energy.

For example, take a look at these two comments: 

Both comments mention physical appearance, but it’s clear that what’s truly upsetting is something deeper: a lack of effort.

I think that losing attraction is an invitation to take a deeper look at what really matters to you in your relationship. 

It’s an opportunity to redefine what attraction truly means to you.

If you’ve lost your attraction to your partner, consider these three questions:

Let’s take a look at a few more of these stories to see if we can uncover some of the hidden values:

For this person, there’s a value around trying to consistently be a better version of yourself, and feeling confident about yourself, too. 

For this one, it sounds like self-care from both partners is important. 

And for this one, it sounds like equality is a value.

Once you’ve started digging a bit deeper into what attraction really means to you, my next suggestion is to identify your 5 core values. 

If your partner could personify 5 values, which values would you pick?

It may help to think back to the early stages of your relationship. What qualities initially attracted you to your partner? 

For example, I was wildly attracted to Xander’s sense of humor when we first met. Him making me laugh is still a sure-fire way to maintain my attraction to him!

And from there, what are the specific actions your partner takes to exemplify those values? 

Going back to my example, I love when Xander says whatever random, funny thought is on his mind, and comes up with ridiculous inside jokes with me. I also like when he teases me about how hard I laugh when he really gets me going. (I might be known to let out a snort or two…)

Next week I’ll be back to share strategies for talking to your partner, but can you see how having a values-based conversation would be so much easier, kinder, and more productive than a physical-appearance based one? 

I mean, what would you respond better to?:

“It’s awful that you haven’t worked out in years.”


“I want us to have a relationship where we value our own self-care over the million other distractions life throws at us. How can we be a team in prioritizing us taking care of ourselves?”

Totally different story, right? 


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!