Initiating sex can feel weirdly hard. It’s something we all assume should come naturally, like some steamy movie moment where a single look sends both partners sprinting to the bedroom. But real life? Not quite so rom com.
If you’ve ever felt awkward, rejected, or just confused about how to initiate sex — or frustrated that your partner never seems to — you are so not alone.
According to our audience, only 17% of people say they’re happy with how sex is initiated in their relationship.
In this blog, we’ll walk you through what initiation really is, why it feels so tricky, the most common mistakes people make, and what you can do to start seeing (and feeling) real change.
Here’s what’s in store for you:
- The top reasons your current initiation attempts might be backfiring.
- Real stories and insights straight from our community.
- Actionable tips you can use tonight to initiate sex in a way that feels good for both of you.
- A sneak peek at our favorite tools and support for better sex, starting with The Art of Initiation.
Let’s dive in.
What Does It Mean To Initiate Sex?
At its core, initiation is an invitation — the way we signal interest in being intimate with our partner.
Sometimes it’s verbal: “Hey, want to fool around tonight?”
Sometimes it’s physical: a back rub that lingers.
Sometimes it’s playful: a flirty text or suggestive comment.
But it’s so much more than just those few minutes before sex. Initiation sets the tone for connection, desire, and how often intimacy happens.
Initiation determines whether or not we’re going to have sex — and how often.
So when it’s not working? The effects ripple through your entire relationship.
Why Is It So Hard To Initiate Sex?
Because we never learned how to do it.
We didn’t get sex education that covered emotional connection or communication. In the media and movies, we see sex just happen with a look or a kiss — no words, no awkwardness, no buildup.
The result? We think initiation should be effortless. And when it’s not, we feel like something’s wrong.
Plus, many of us carry unspoken beliefs like “It’s the man’s job to initiate” and “If I initiate and get turned down, I’ll feel rejected.”Initiation is vulnerable. And without the right tools or conversations, it becomes something we avoid altogether — or end up doing in ways that backfire.
10 Common Sex Initiation Mistakes (And What To Do Instead)
1. You’re not initiating at all
This is especially common for women in heterosexual relationships, due to cultural conditioning. Even if you want sex, you might think, “They should be the one to initiate.” But this imbalance can lead to frustration, resentment, and disconnection.
Try this: Choose one small, low-stakes way to initiate this week — a flirty text, a suggestive comment, or even setting a vibe with music or candles.
2. Your initiation feels random or out of nowhere
Ever been deep in work mode or brushing your teeth, only to hear “Wanna do it?” It can feel jarring, even if you do want to connect.
Try this: Build anticipation earlier in the day. Flirty check-ins, physical affection, non-sexual touch, and moments of real emotional connection help you both get warmed up way before your clothes ever hit the floor.
We always say: Foreplay for the next time starts from the moment you finish having sex.
3. You always wait until the very end of the night
91% of our community said they’re most frustrated by initiation that happens right before bed. You’re tired, you’ve brushed your teeth, your body’s powering down — not exactly peak desire conditions.
Try this: Experiment with new times. Morning quickies, post-dinner couch make-outs, or even a lunchtime rendezvous can be hotter (and more successful).
4. You only initiate in the moment
Initiating right before sex puts your partner in a high-pressure pop quiz: “Are you in the mood? Yes or no. Right now.” It often leads to rejection, even if they do want it — just not yet.
Try this: Think of initiation as a process, not a moment. Start hours in advance — a suggestive text, a whispered “Can’t wait for later…” during dinner. Give it space to build.
5. Your approach is lazy or unsexy
Let’s be real: a halfhearted “You wanna?” or a boob honk isn’t exactly seductive. Neither is the classic “booty scoot” under the covers.
Try this: Focus on making your initiation feel like an invitation. One your partner wants to say yes to. Each of us has our “ideal conditions” for initiation. Ask your person how they want to be invited into intimacy with you!
Want inspiration? Our Art of Initiation course includes game-changing initiation questions you never knew to ask so you can get on the same page (and GET IT).
6. You didn’t read the room
If your partner’s elbow-deep in dishes or in the middle of a work call, your initiation may land as inconsiderate — even if it comes from a place of desire.
Try this: Pay attention to their energy and timing. Better yet? Help your partner clear their to-do list!
7. You’re being too vague
This shows up especially with women initiating with men — dropping subtle hints, hoping they’ll “get it.” But that often just leaves both people frustrated.
Try this: Be more direct. Men, in particular, tend to prefer crystal-clear initiation. That doesn’t mean it has to be blunt — but saying what you want goes a long way.
8. You’re not emotionally connected
86% of our audience said they feel annoyed when a partner only gets affectionate when they want sex. If you’re not emotionally connecting throughout the day, your initiation may feel jarring or hollow.
Try this: Show affection without a sexual agenda. A hug, a compliment, a genuine “how was your day?” builds connection and safety, which boosts desire.
9. You’re putting too much pressure on your partner
Begging, guilting, or getting pouty when your partner says no is a surefire way to make sex feel less appealing.
Try this: Separate your desire from the outcome. You’re allowed to want sex — and they’re allowed to say no. Respectful communication about needs matters more than a yes in the moment.
10. You’re initiating the way you want, not how they want.
Like love languages, we all have initiation styles. Some people love physical touch. Some prefer words. Some want a shared activity to warm things up.
Try this: Learn each other’s initiation styles. You can explore all 6 types in our free guide, Turn Me On: Your Initiation Style Guide.
Why Initiation Matters (So Much More Than You Think)
Initiation doesn’t just get you into bed. It sets the emotional tone of your relationship.
When it’s off, it leads to:
- Low desire (especially in the lower libido partner)
- Rejection fatigue
- Awkwardness and resentment
- A feeling of being unwanted or unseen
- Less sex — and less satisfying sex when it does happen
But when it works? Initiation builds confidence, excitement, closeness, and playfulness.
It becomes one of the sexiest, most empowering tools in your intimacy toolbox.
How To Start Initiating Sex Better — Today
If you want a more connected, fun, and turned-on relationship, here are a few actions you can take right now:
1. Talk about it
Open a convo with your partner using this episode: Pillow Talks Episode 198: Stop Doing THIS If You Want More Sex
2. Check your patterns
Ask yourself:
- When and how do I usually initiate?
- Do those patterns work — or lead to rejection?
3. Pick one new strategy to try this week
- Initiate earlier in the day
- Start with flirting instead of going straight to sex
- Be more direct or more playful
4. Get tools that actually work
Ready for a total upgrade? Our course, The Art of Initiation, is packed with everything you need:
- 61 sexy, playful, creative ways to initiate
- How to confidently know and express exactly what turns you on — and get the same from your partner
- The game-changing initiation questions you never knew to ask, including how your “Ideal Conditions” can turn a “no” into a “YES PLEASE!”
- Practical ways to create and sustain more emotional and physical intimacy
Because you deserve so much more than “Wanna do it?”
Want To Go Deeper?
If you liked this, you’ll love:
- Episode 78: Initiation: What You And Your Partner Are Doing Wrong – And How To Get It Right
- Episode 109: This ONE Thing Is Secretly Affecting Your ENTIRE Relationship
- Episode 145: What Your Partner Secretly Wishes You’d Stop Doing In The Bedroom
- Episode 198: Stop Doing THIS If You Want More Sex
Or head straight to the course that’s helped thousands of couples rediscover their spark:
It’s time to stop dreading initiation — and start loving it.
