The Truth About Money and Relationships

July 28,2022

Are you sick of fighting about money in your relationship? Maybe you’ve even thought you and your partner are incompatible because of how differently you both think about spending and saving. Trust us, you’re not alone!

This episode is for you if you feel like you need to keep purchases a secret. Or maybe you’re just exasperated by how much money your partner spends. We know how easily that tension and resentment can build.

Today we’ll be addressing money issues within relationships advice column style — with real life stories and questions from our audience. As we help them troubleshoot, we’ll be giving easy to implement tips on approaching money issues in relationships.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

Here’s a glance at this episode:

[4:17] It’s not just you, no one was taught how to do this

[11:26] Mo Money, Mo Problems – general tips on talking money

[11:58] Communication tip: You’ll get more flies with honey

[13:52] How to open the door to the money conversation

[18:47] It might be time to talk about gender roles

[21:37] The trap we often fall into with mental load

[24:27] Knowledge is power

[24:22] Vanessa shares her favorite books on managing money

[29:38] Focus on your goals both together and separately

[32:19] Question #1: “Help! Who is in the wrong here? In the past my partner has been judgmental about my spending. He would ask how much certain things cost and express disapproval, even if it was a reasonable price. So over time, I found myself hiding purchases from him more and more. He recently went through some statements and found a bunch of surprises and now he is furious with me.”

[38:22] Question #2: “My husband makes about 80% of our household income and provides the insurance. I essentially work to pay for daycare for our 2 children. We have talked about me staying home because the cost would be the same, but I enjoy my job. So basically he pays for everything and it causes a lot of tension. I feel guilty spending money because I didn’t earn it. A big issue is health related costs. I have an autoimmune disorder that leads to lots of medical bills. He pays them, but definitely makes a fuss over how much they cost. It often leads to fights and me feeling guilty. But I also can’t help that I am sick and need maintenance care. I don’t think anyone would like the alternative of me losing my colon and needing a poop bag for life. This is a hot topic.”

[46:40] Question #3: “I’m the shopper in our home for necessities: food, clothing, etc. I take on the mental load of these tasks and do what needs to be done to keep our home running smoothly but my partner always complains about my spending. I try to explain to them that my spending will be higher because I do the shopping for the family but it still creates problems.”

[49:30] Question #4: “I’m the breadwinner of our family while my partner makes much less. We split costs on everything but how do we make it fair? They wanna feel like they are pulling their weight but also don’t want to contribute beyond their means and I don’t want to be saddled with a disproportionate amount of contributions just because I make more”.

[52:42] Our last and most important tip!

Links & resources

Video: Should Stay At Home Moms/Parents Do Everything?
Guide: Mental Load Workbook

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HI THERE!

I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!