How Often Is Everyone REALLY Having Sex? And What’s Healthy For Your Relationship?

July 21,2021

Everyone wants to know what the magic amount of sex is to keep their relationship healthy. So many of us think that if we hit a certain quota, it means our relationship is in a good place.

So we decided to do a little experiment to see what the sex lives of our followers really look like. We created a sexual frequency and satisfaction survey, and we’ve now had 12,000 people respond!

In this episode, you’ll learn:

Here’s a glance at this episode:

[3:35] Our sexual frequency experiment

[6:18] The big reveal: the magic amount of sex you should be having

[10:50] What questions we asked our survey responders

[17:17] The difference in responses from couples with kids

[19:21] How age factors into sexual frequency

[22:56] The majority of people want to be having more sex

[27:30] How to find the right sexual frequency for your relationship

[27:48] Tip #1: Forget about the honeymoon stage

[30:25] Tip #2: Expand your definition of sex

[32:27] Tip #3: Focus on quality sex

[33:20] Tip #4: Respect each other’s needs

[37:49] Tip #5: Make the effort more frequently than you feel the desire

[39:17] Listener question: What if your partner is too tired from work?

[41:28] Listener question: How do we find the balance of accepting seasons of less sex, versus we need to put some effort and work into our sex life?

[43:53] Listener question: I’m a woman who wants sex more often than my male partner. How do I deal with feelings of rejection when he doesn’t want to have sex with me?

[45:33] Listener question: Why do we as a society focus more on frequency rather than quality?

Links & resources

Video: How Much Sex Is Enough? Sexual Satisfaction Survey

Guide: Are You Sexually Compatible?

Masterclass: Initiate Sex So Your Partner Will Want To Say “Yes”

If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It’s the sex education you wish you had!

Take a screenshot of this episode and tag us on Instagram @vanessamarintherapy and tell us your biggest takeaway! We can’t wait to hear what steps you’re going to take to talk about sex with your partner.

Want your questions answered on the show? Send us a DM or voice memo @vanessamarintherapy, or leave us a message at +1-774-PIL-LOW1. We’d love to hear from you!

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How Much Sex Should You Really Be Having?


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I'm Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and writer specializing in helping you have more fun in the bedroom.

I have bachelor’s degrees in human sexuality and sociology from Brown University, and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies. I’m also a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been working in the sex therapy field since 2002 and have been featured by The New York Times, O: The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more.

If you’re interested in improving your sex life, you can work with me via my online courses or personal coaching sessions. I look forward to supporting you in creating the sex life you’ve always wanted!