Are you shy in the bedroom? Do you find yourself hesitating to ask for what you want, worrying about your technique, or feeling like you have no freaking clue what you’re doing?
Confidence in the bedroom is a huge challenge for most of us.
If you’re tired of feeling anxious, self-conscious, or frozen in the bedroom, I have a little trick for you to try. I like to call it The Alter Ego Effect.
This technique was inspired by one of my clients. This particular woman was frustrated because she felt stuck in her own head and excessively critical of herself during sex. She felt the furthest she could possibly be from confident.
Out of frustration, she blurted out, “I just want to be that woman who loves sex.”
That statement jumped right out at me, so I asked her, “OK, who is that woman?” And she got into all of these details of this alternate persona.
“The woman who loves sex” was poised and self-assured, but also playful. She asked for what she wanted, and knew she deserved to get it. She didn’t hesitate to try something new in the bedroom, and she could laugh it off if it didn’t go perfectly. She loved her body, and feeling the ways it moved during sex. She was able to stay present in the moment, and truly revel in every moment of connection with her partner.
At the end of the session, I told my client, “OK, I want you to be her tonight. Roleplay the woman who loves sex.”
My client instantly objected, (I’ll tell you a little more about her doubts in a minute), but eventually agreed to try it out.
She came back the next session and said, “Holy crap, that was amazing!” She had really gotten into character, and actually experienced what it was like to be “the woman who loves sex.”
Playing another character allowed her to let go of her usual anxieties and fears.
So I want you to take a moment right now to think about your sexual Alter Ego. Who is this ideal sexual man or woman?
What do they do during sex?
What do they think during sex?
How do they act during sex?
What do they say during sex?
Then try to roleplay your Alter Ego! Be your Alter Ego as you masturbate, as you initiate sex with your partner, or in the moment during sex. Allow yourself to become this character, if only for an hour or two.
Be that person in the bedroom, but also try being them out in the world too. How does your Alter Ego carry themselves as they walk down the street? How do they interact with the barista at the coffee shop?
Now let me get back to what my client’s objection was. When I first suggested playing her Alter Ego, she said, “That will feel so fake. I’ll know it’s not me. I’m notthe woman who loves sex!”
I told her, “It is you. You didn’t come up with ‘the woman who loves sex’ out of nowhere. You were able to describe her too clearly for that. She’s just a side of you that we haven’t met yet.”
That’s the really interesting thing about The Alter Ego Effect.
If you can clearly visualize and describe your Alter Ego in detail, that person is buried inside of you somewhere.
It might feel like your Alter Ego is buried pretty far at the moment, but you can still bring that part of you to the surface! Roleplaying is a great way to start.