If you’re a man, how would you describe your ideal performance in the bedroom? Take a minute right now to think about it. What are the specific details of how you want your body to perform?

Now, I want you to ask yourself a question that 95% of men never even think to ask themselves: why?

Why do you want to perform that way in the bedroom?

When I ask this question to my clients, I get responses like:

“Because that’s what I’m supposed to do.”
“I just want to.”
“That’s what women expect.”
“I don’t know!”

I want you to dig a little deeper than that.

The key to meeting any goal in life is motivation. If change were easy, we’d all be perfect versions of ourselves. Unfortunately, change is hard.

But if we feel driven by sincere and powerful motivations, change can be a loteasier.

“That’s what I’m supposed to do” isn’t motivating. At all. If you’re trying to change your performance in the bedroom simply because you think it’s expected of you, you’re not going to have any success. (Plus, as I shared last week, thoughts like, “that’s what’s expected of me” just aren’t true.)

Instead, you’ve got to find a deeper, more nuanced drive for you to change the way your body functions during sex.

So think about it. What would it really be like to have your performance anxieties disappear? What would change about your sex life? Your relationship? Your communication? Your confidence? The way you carry yourself? How would it affect other areas of your life?

Here are some examples of what I mean:

“I want to be more connected to my own body. I want to feel like we’re teammates instead of opponents.”
“I want to learn how to get out of my head, and be more present in the moment.”
“I want to get to know myself and my own needs better.”
“I want to feel more confident in what I have to offer, and hold my head high.”
“I want to stop chasing ‘quick fixes’ and invest in lasting change.”
“I want to stop feeling anxious and get back in control”
“I want to feel more pleasure. I want to actually enjoy sex.”
“I want to feel more connected to my partner, and actually experience true intimacy.”

You see what I mean? Aren’t each of those examples so much more powerful than “that’s what I’m supposed to do”?

When you’re looking for solutions to your performance issues, it’s easy to get fixated on the specific results you want, and neglect the “why” behind your desire for change. I know that finding your motivation doesn’t sound like the “sexiest” strategy for improving performance issues!

But I can tell you that after helping hundreds of men transform their sex lives, that it, hands down, is the most powerful first step you can take.

So see if you can come up with a few personal, meaningful reasons for wanting to have harder erections, last longer, or orgasm quicker. This might feel a little out of your comfort zone, but go with it! It will make a world of difference, I promise.